Unexpected Expectations

What giveth?

2012-03-04T01:50:00.002+08:00

So, what giveth? What art thou stand in the society?

Everybody have their share of problems, no matter who or where you are. Living amongst fellow human beings can sometimes brings out the complications. To put it simply, we create problems for one another, throw that thinking of having a "simple life" out of the window, it is just a myth, or that would happen if you are living your life as a hermit somewhere deep in the amazon or something..

Living in this modern society does brings us the first world problems. Yes, we lead a comfortable life with abundance of food, technological advancements, entertainment and a concrete roofs above our heads which comes with clean drinking water and sanitary system. So what? We worked hard for them, and we work like drones to maintain them. We lost the basis of our lives, and our purpose. At least, that's how I feel. My purpose seems to be to grow up, work, grow old and die, nothing boombastic, nothing notable.

I feel so frustrated when people do not see the point, and that is by showing some empathy, and think alittle of how much impact one does to another over certain course of actions, and what was said. Yes, it hurts me so bad when I am treated this way, where all faults are diverted to me even when I made no contribution to it. Hey, I am human and I have a heart too, I can only withstand so much verbal abuses before I break apart. It does mean that when I keep my silence means I am ok, nor does it means I don't care. I probably cared too much that it hurts me at the end of the day.

I am not perfect, I make mistakes, and when that happens, I just hope that you will point me to what went wrong and move on from there. If you have issues with anger management, don't make me become a victim of your own predicament while you induge in your own sadness that other people ruined it for you. I can't be taking the point of the sword all the time and not scream in pain. IT HURTS, IT FUCKING HURTS, DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?

I really really really need help in going through this crisis. I lose so much for the little I have gained, even though I tried my best to applease and appease. All I ask for is alittle moderation and compromisation, because that was what I gave as well. Apprantly of course, more often than not, my best is doesnt falls within the range of adequacy. It was taken for granted, and I have myself to blame.

No wonder this crazy world is filled to the brink with assholes, it is so infectous that everyone catches the disease, because when being a good guy doesn't work, it's time for plan B.

I really really don't wanna fight no more. It gets heavier and it intensifies every time. The heart feels so heavy and I don't know what is happiness anymore, I don't know if I made the right choice, and I don't know if I ever give you any happiness that 's special to us, and not be treated like a replacement of someone else. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts so so bad.... Please please understand that I also face challenges in work that you cannot possibly imagine. It is not all nice and comfy over here, there are so many things that I need to control and plan for that I don't even think 24 hours is enough! Managing people and their many expectations are extraordinarily challenging, and it's harder without support. Please please show me alittle empathy and have faith in me.

Please, help me help you. Please be nice. Please have faith so that we can get over this crisis and move on stronger. Just alittle more tenderness.

Unexpected Expectations

2012-01-18T00:00:00.002+08:00

Ya know, as corny as the saying goes that love will struck you at the most unexpected moments and catch one off guard, with fate intertwining random encounters and working it's magic, you get a special chemistry that spins one around and changes everything.

I concur, that the above statement is true. In a short flashback poloriod moments, many many events that had occurred had sort of paved the way to us meeting up, and eventually being together. I am sure even on her mind, she would have thought the same that, we, out of the huge pool of other people we know in our lives, would end up falling in love. Trust me, to find someone special in this manner is not within my agenda.

The sequence of event was hardly dramatic, hardly decent enough when one compare our romance to the likes of William Shakespeare's works. But what happened between us was so subtle and delicate that it simply just grew in intensity until today. And here's how the "short long-story" goes:

It was an event where I had to drop by the store execute, to judge on which team was decent enough to represent our district to fight it out in our bi-annual Barista Olympics. There, I saw her ringing in the orders for the customers, and I couldnt take my eyes off her, and with a random comment to my peer beside me, I simple exclaimed to him: "not bad", and that's it, I went to be on my task and I never found out her name, nor ever saw her again.

Many months later, I was assigned to take over the fateful store, after a slight disappointment that it was a different store that I was originally gonna take over, and there, we met again. I finally get to know her name and after working several times, we broke ice and started chatting.

She was in a rough waters with her previous relationship and I was always around, providing counsel and comfort. We started chatting and texting each other, and our comfort level grew day by day, and somehow, I felt uneasy when I didnt text her or if I didnt receive any text from her. And there, I knew that I starts to like her.

Of course, things are too easy for comfort and fate being fate, threw me (or us) on a roller coaster ride. Through pure willpower and perseverence, we weathered through the storms and many disappointments, and we survived. Shortly before we eventually got together, work torn us apart as I had to depart overseas to attend conventions, but thank goodness for technology, we are still able to stay connected, although we are miles apart. Hearing her voice brought me comfort that I had never felt in a very long time, and I simply miss her every waking minute.

Like I say, we have gone through many rough patches and more to overcome ahead, I am really thankful and blessed to have her in my life, and now, everything seems so complete. I am contented.

心里话

2012-01-09T23:28:00.001+08:00

时间过得好快好快，我们已经在一起三个月了！在这些日子已来，时间都过得好充实，不孤单。

我花了好多个晚上，一直都在想我们的事，没有一晚睡得好，但也发觉了好多好多。

和你在一起的时候，都过得好开心，但就感觉少了设么。每一晚，当我们都各自回家的时候，总觉得会即将发生设么事，心里重是怕怕得，好难受。就怕你想太多，就怕我会说错话老是让你生气，就怕失去你。

想着想着，发觉我们之间少的不是爱，儿是我们彼此对对放的不了解。生活习惯和生活圆字不一样，对彼此的要求也不一样，对代彼此的方式也不一样。

你说的对，我们是两个世界的人。但是，在这世界里，没有两个人是相似的。也因此我会不断地改变，渐渐的，和你往幸福的道路前进。

I truthly agree that I am not a good boyfriend, or at least, not the best that you had, hearing it from your own mouth. Of course, that comment hurts, but it drives me further to improve myself.

I really don't believe that there anyone that would fit the other's perfectly, but than again, it makes us imperfectly perfect, as it is only through time, constant refinement
and polishing, that we will arrive at a time where we no longer cares about each other's flaws, but be awed by the beauty of simplicity, by growing and developing to be each other's perfect halves.

I do not want to indulge in self pity nor compare what I have done
And what you have done, what I have said or what you had said. All these are not important, for in truth, we both have done and said many things, to progress to where we are now.

When someone is sweet to you, don't expect that they will be sweet to you all the time because even the sweetest chocolate will expire. I compare our love to honey, where it's sweet and it never expires. But like the bees that make it, the ones involved have to put in a lot of time and effort to make things everlasting.

I make mistakes, break your heart here and there, but realise this, it was never intentional, for mine was also hurt and broken whilst we are drawn into conflict.

But I believe everytime when we come out from a conflict, we come
Out stronger with a stronger conviction to make us work out, though time after time, it seems increasingly challenging.

It does hurt when you keep mentioning about break up and him all the time. But it doesn't decrease my love for you in anyway. I just don't know how to give you the correct reaction, but know this, my world is crumbling inside whenever you mention about him. It hurts when you keep poking fun about my height or my half deafness, calling me names like short legs, I endured because it was all in the name of good fun, and as long as you are happy, and i know that it really irritates you to repeat yourself all the time, and my height doesn't really compliment yours. It hurts when I think that our relationship is just like a time bomb, exploding into pieces once the time is up.

We argued about money, about spending so much, but than again, money can never buy the precious time that I can spend with you, and I can always earn it back, but once time is loss, I can never buy it back.

I know that after tonight, i would be the last person you would wanna see or talk to, but after saying all these, all I truly wanna tell you is that I really love you, truly, madly, deeply do. I just want you to be mind, nobody else.

Fate has brought you into my life, and it has being a magical journey so far. I hope that I we can continue this fate and share the special bond that we have, together.

But if you choose otherwise, I understand.

I am sorry for all the things that I had never done or said, and for being the boring guy that I am that can't keep you entertained. But still, I am happy that we had spent many happy and simple moments together.

Cheers to our 3 months of milestone being together, I love you, and thank you, for making a better man.

晚安..

"Outrospectiveness"

2012-01-09T00:04:00.003+08:00

Out goes 2011, and incoming 2012. Like everyone else that laments on how time flies, I inclusive. To summarise everything in 3 words, I would best describe it as "eventful, transforming, taxing".

2011, a hell of a year that really puts my mental and physical capabilities to test. I gained alot, and also lose alot, so as the saying goes, "you win some, you loose some". I had fought through bravely to gain what I had, and even harder to maintain what I had gained, man, I am contented, my hands are full anyway.

Nobody said that all these are easy, to be split between work, love, friendship, family. I personally had many challenges with it, to put that mythical "work - life balance" into reality. I sweat for it, loose sleep over it, stress over it, well, you name it, I gone through it. 2011 had being a year full of transformation, from career to my transition out of singlehood. So many events that I have difficulties documenting it all down. Refreshing changes that spice up my life, don't ya agree?

I must say that I have not done a good job in everything, but I certainly gave it my best shot so far. I make tonnes of mistakes, but I learned loads as well.

I pray that moving forward, year 2012 would be another fruitful year where I can reach a new milestone in not only my career, but in my relationship with her, while maintaining what I have (family and friends). More expectations to work forward to, I must not drop, or else I will fail everybody. I must prevail.

The trickling sand of time..

2011-10-21T22:12:00.000+08:00

As I have being working shift work over this pass 1 and a half year, I am suddenly hit with the fact that I haven't being taking a good look at my love ones and how old age catches up on them. What make me came into realisation was when I was tagged in a recent picture of my maternal grandfather in facebook, and I am pretty astonish to see how much he had aged in just this period of time.

Daryl (my 2nd youngest cousin), had just recently celebrated his 2nd birthday (which I can't attend due to work) and Darren, the newborn cousin in the family, is already 5 months old! Gosh! The last time I saw him was in his 1st month baby shower and now how much he had grown! I am pretty sad that I missed out so much of their growth for the sake of work, but yet, I have no choice. Now Daryl look at me like a stranger whenever he sees me and that's really sad..

Time is such a merciless thing, it waits for none, and I for one wish that I can have more time to spend with all of them. Friends and family had being complaining steadily that I had ignored them, but is that really true? I wish I have time for every single one of them, but whenever I am free, they are not, and vice versa. When I took up my current job, I know the sacrifice I have to make. I have not looked back since my decision to make a radical career/industry change for the sake of experience and advancement, I just have a slight regret that I can't manage my time well. Now with the recent changes make into my life (very nice changes :) ), I am still adapting to it and I pray that time would be nicer to me, while I change (or trying to change) my priorities in life.

Pretty much ironic fact is that one can't please everybody, so I can only suck it up in hope that whichever party, will understand the dilemma I am facing, where I have try to manage competing priorities at this phase of life. As the old saying goes, "you win some, you lose some". I just honestly don't know what's at stake, but there will be a time where everything will sort out by itself, for the better, somehow.. All I can do is to maintain optimism, and hope everything would be alright.

I know there would be no end to this, and the end of the day, it is just a job, but still, to do a good job, time, dedication and abit of luck are the only ingredient to maintain it. Trust me, crisis management ala fire fighting is no joke. Trust Murphy to come out with this law, "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.", ah... I always fall victim to that. But what the heck lah, just go with the flow..it's just a natural process of life's filtering people that will come or go. I just do my best, and if my best is still not acceptable, than, I am really sorry that I can't please you enough. I just need to brace myself when this day happens.. Bless be...

Of intuition. A gift or a curse?

2011-10-18T22:06:00.003+08:00

Intuition noun [in-too-ish-uhn, -tyoo-] - direct perception of truth, fact, etc., indepedent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.

The definination sums it all. Credits to dictionary.com.

More commonly know as "gut feeling", 6th sense or hunches, I am one whom is born to be intuitively sharp. Since the day I had a concious mind, I always feel that my mind differs uniquely from the rest, being able to perceive information that I know nothing of first hand, being able to sense deeply (and spiritually) on my surroundings, being able to predict an immediate future that no one knows about, I can burp out random words that seems to be of no meaning and they are actually real words of other languages, and the list goes on and on..

Since young (or in fact till today), I am puzzled with this ability of mine. I am able to "feel" things that other people couldn't, I am able to detect signs of changes in things or people that other's couldn't. Whenever I relate this to my peers or whosoever, be it as a sign of warning or just something random, people always brush it aside and say that I am just being overly sensitive. Well, over sensitive I am, for whatever I say, seems to come truth. I sense can that my classmate that's sitting behind me will be in for some shit pretty soon in class, and in a flash, I saw the chalkboard duster and chalk flew pass me and hit the classmate with a bull's eye. Another seperate incident was that I suddenly had a feeling that somebody is gonna get hurt my class, and soon enough, a classmate of mine came back into the class from recess and trip and fell for no apparant reason, and hit his head on the desk. And these are some random incident that occur within the many experiences I haad. I am forever astounded by this ability till today, for it never failed to suprise me, but it also gave me an innate sense of fear.

Trust me, when you are born with such insights, the mind starts thinking of the worst. As I grow older, the intuition grew deeper, and scarier, for it gets sharper day by day. My grandfather (he's a spritual and Qigong master) seems to detect the ability in me, and immediately set to work. To save you guys the boredom of the process, I eventually had my "3rd eye" opened one fine day. Since the opening of the "eye", my whole body's sensories evolved, and so's my mind. Suddenly everything seems clear, where I had blur visions of insights, I can actually "see" and "feel" them now. My body, seems to be adapting to the changes of the mind, grew to become ultra sensitive to the surroundings. I am able to sense and manipulate energies in my body and the environment, and it became an ultra radar. My eyelids seems to have a life of it's own, and it will twitch like nobody's business randomly. It took awhile for me to adjust, and after several years of discoveries and moments of truth, I came to conclusion that when my right eye twitch, it spells bad omen and something bad will happen, and vice versa. I started seeing/sensing spirits and other beings of super natural source.

What excites me and scares me at the same time, is that my right eye twitch majority of the time. I can't explain it but bad things never fails to happen. Never fail to detect deaths (among friends and family), never fail to detect arguements (especially with my special one and my ex) amongst many others. And as always, whenever I share or warn them about it, they never seems to listen, and bad things befalls on them, or myself.

I grew fearful.. and since a point of time, I gave up on sharing. And I grew inwards, supressing the feeling and hoping that it will go away. I feel bad because nobody believed me, I feel bad because people make a joke out of it, thinking it's some kinda mumbo jumbo bullshit. Thus, whenever this happens, my mood will change instantly, and my body grew tense, ever watchful of what might happen. I.. really hate this feeling, because I feel moody and listless, losing concentration and focus, I loose alot of sleep over it, whenever my right eye lid strikes. It makes me become a worrier.

I know I can't prevent it, but I always believe that if the eye acts as a sign of warning, there are still possibility of adverting the imminent calamity(s). Of course, I failed badly in this, for what will happen, will happen.

And so as I was constantly berating myself on having this curse of deep insights, I figure that I can use the energy positively by reading Tarot, helping myself, and helping others, in seeking for advises, and seeking the truth.

In all essense of things, and in life, the quest for us all is to seek the truth, gaining knowledge, and enlightenment. That is why life in general, is never perfect, and there are more negativities than positivities. I learned to appreciate all the negative things that had befallened me, providing me with valuable but harsh lessons to develop and mature. Life is not a merciful teacher in the first place.

I know myself that life gets challenging gradually and in intensity, but I can't help it when intuition strikes me like a hammer and never fails to catch me off guard and bad stuff will happen, I can't control my emotions and I grew distance, and people misunderstand me. I just hope that the god have mercy on me, and let me continue on my quest to seek inner peace, and the finer things in life, like love. I don't know how much more punishment I can take, but I hope I don't blow up with all the suppressed feelings inside that I can't even relate it with words. I hate it when people misunderstand me when I grew distant, because I am afraid of hurting them unintentionally. Being an INFJ, things became even more difficult as I can't seem to espress myself clearly. Being the 1% highly intuitive and sensitive (in terms of emotions) individual among the entire world can be quite.. an unique experience.

I know I am alone in this, but than again, life goes on. Come what may. Live strong, and may my willpower sustain me till the end. Till today, I still can't figure if my intuition is a gift or a curse, for it's just like a double edge sword, and I guess, I will never find the answer. Press on Jack.. the ironics of life, I just have to live with it.. believe in modesty and peace.

God help me... blessed be.

Tarot revealations

2011-10-12T01:21:00.000+08:00

Well, to the layman, a tarot is a deck that is just a deck of picture cards, and tarot reading is just.. mumbo jumbo.

To me, Tarot reveals what the eye can't see, and reveal the deepest desires and ideas, showing our true selves, as an individual. It is simply naked truth that one may choose to believe, or no. However, fact is, we all somehow know the truth, we just don't wanna face it. My job, or the reader's job, is to reveal the truth, and nothing else. We aint no fortune tellers, we are just messengers of change.

Readings for different people brings a whole lot of different emotions. From the sceptics to the believers, everybody came and leave with a different emtions/reactions. People literally laugh or cry during or after readings. But I on the point of a reader, it is the best indicator of how much information has driven home into the querent's hearts.

The ultimate challenge that Tarot, or life in general gives, is to test on one's acceptance to changes. Let's face it, we as human beings, hate changes, we resist them, run from them or hide from them. But ultimately, all things changes, weather we like it or not.

So dear incognito, while you are reading this, the only advise for you is to wake up and smell the coffee, and move on. Do not indulge in self pity and what's not, for it will only destroy yourself. At the end of the day, you will loose yourself. Take control while you still can, and venture into your new path. The wheel of fortune spins as the wheel wills, acceptance is the key to faith and growth. Bless be.

Emotional Echoes III

2011-10-07T00:25:00.001+08:00

They say ignorance is bliss, and some things are better left unsaid. As cliché as they may sound, I think truth wisdom really lies in them.

Well, where to begin? She says I am too sensitive, and I think she is right. Let's see... as a leo, as an INFJ, as myself, I am blessed/cursed with extra sensitivity and gentleness towards other's emotion, just with a slight hint of annoyance, or a light tinge of sadness etc. As I pick up these signals that other's sent, my heart grows weary, or basking in joy, easily influenced, depending on the situation, especially when it happens to my love ones.

With that being said, I showed empathy to everybody, and of course, the same was not always recipocrated from time to time, so, serve me right. But towards any end, my conscious is free, as I am just being genuine to people in general, although salvaging the broken pieces of my heart is not what I call a rocking affair. To me, it is just all about being genuine, and keeping things simple. Contradicting fact is, people in general, can be really complicated.

So, as a boss, I show empathy to my partners, even though I have to grit my teeth once in awhile, but hey, nobody's the same, and so I can't expect the same results out from everyone. To the very least, I tried my best, and I still will. Of course, I still have a great team of partners, but still, micro-managing every single one of them can be a little tough sometimes. The challenge here is to exercise moderation. Too easy on them, things goes out of control, too tough, people starts complaining/leaving. So, this is the life of a boss, you are expected to understand everybody, but don't expect them to understand you. But I still, I care for every single one of them.

As Jack, I show empathy to her, my love ones, and my friends. And ironically, the same rule applies.I just hold them with a special place in my heart, and be gentle to avoid conflicts, as I really really care about them, espcially her. Well, I thought I can juggle everything, but I think too highly of myself. However, I can't control it as this is something that has being driven/gifted onto me upon birth.

I thought playing nice will have it's rewards, but what I get in return are more misunderstandings and miscommunications, having my intentions misunderstood. I feel really sad and helpless as these happens, and I never learn my lesson(s).

As a bf, I think the strong sensitivity gets doubly highlighted, and overly powerful. As usual, I thought I was behaving like a gentleman and all, but things gets ahead of me and the result was unexpected, and often unfathomable, though it was only for a short 2 weeks. With her, on one hand, I am deeply attracted to her, and on the other, there's something that I can't put a finger to that makes me/us grow wary/tired of each others. Perhaps because of these, we both expected more - more response, more loving attention, and more promises. Bad move Jack, and now, both parties are hurt, more complicated than ever. However, strangely enough, my resolve gets stronger than ever, and the feelings for her remains as pure and simple. I love her. Even though it is clouded in murky situations and cloudy complications.

She gave me a special attention that nobody had, even at the risk of being misunderstood by everyone else. She can always bring a smile to my face, even when the situation is harsh, and we are technically still sore over conflicts that had happened. She has this inbuilt ability to make me laugh with her silly comments and actions, make me melt in an instant just by looking into her eyes, and ultimately, put me to sleep like a pig, just by looking at the pictures and hearing her voice. These things were tested and proven whilst I was miles away in Bali, as I couldn't had survive without her little presence throughout the days through messages, and that call on the 2nd night, which was really really comforting, even though both of us catches little sleep in the end, but I will happily trade my sleep to get the warm, fuzzy feeling in my heart again. It was nothing but sweet, and I really hate myself from tearing away from her to go abroad for work, and let her wait over the few days. Her headstrong and original character, was what (and still is) attracted me to her in the first place.

I have no intentions of hurting her in anyway, but perhaps in the midst of treasuring her, I too, gain the fear to loose her. The result? I made a fool outta myself. Truth to be said, I wasn't confident in myself, while I am still trying to get my bearings back as a lover, which I had seem to lost through my hiatus of being attached over the years.

My biggest regret so far, is that as far as I am a great "feeler", I was never a great communicator. I can express myself in writing, but I can never express the same while talking. So there, I stepped onto landmines after landmines, and I had fallen from once grace again. I know my behaviour was... totally inadequate. In introspection, I feel really embarrassed, though I was also somewhat alittle hurt by what she say. Regretably, we became the victim of miscommunication, and misunderstandings. Now THAT, is an ultimate turn off I guess.

Though rough cloudy days may seems to be back again, I just hope that the weather forecast in the emotional department can show me a little mercy. I know things between us may had come to an end for good, for I dissappointed her greatly. But if god's willing and feeling forgiving, allow me to be thick skinned, and ask for another chance to redeem myself, and to work things (or make things work) between us, just once more. No relationship is perfect, but with the special chemistry that we share, it is really a waste to see it goes down the drain with us realising our full potential. But if it didnt, well, I guess, I will still stick to the old saying that I am still contented.

I don't know what good have I done to her, but I pray that she feels happy with me throughout this short period of time. I am truly sorry that I brought quite alot of disappointment in her, but I hope that I am not judge this way. If things ultimately turn outs to be what it is today, I guess, I will just have to live with the fact that I will protect her from afar, and pray for her to be blessed with happiness everyday, if that's the best I can do.

On a side note, today, being October the 6th, year 2011, seems to be quite a day. With the passing of a titan (and forever my inspirer), Steve Jobs, and the passing of my supervisor's grandad, and with the outcome of me and her, today alone is a pretty rough but remarkable day, a day of loss. However, I guess with an end of something, also marks the beginning of another chapter of life. Life still goes on, and I've heard and mention quite afew times during my conversations here and there just today. I had learned valuable lessons, and these shall strengthen me and toughen up my determination.

Someday perhaps.. I will be able to reach the other end of the rainbow over the horizon, I will not give up. I always believe that love comes from accident, and it's never a coincident. Among the 5 billion world population, we had found comfort in each other. With this belief, I maintained my faith, no matter how dire the situation is, afterall, the patience will be rewarded, and success are only meant for people that last till the end. So, till the end it shall be..... till now, I have not regretted my decision.

The rites of passage

2011-10-04T02:06:00.001+08:00

So, a few conversations here and there with PP. had triggered me to take a walk back in memory lane. Old visions came flooding back like a tsunami as I relate my experiences. And I therefore concurred, that I live everyday as if it was the last, and same goes to being with her.

Back in the adolescent days,we are all guilty of doing rashful/stupid things here and there, leaving a special spot in our hearts and minds. Many of these experiences are of course damaging to a certain extend to us, emtionally, but they are nevertheless, influential and essential as a part of growing up. I think that all these mistakes that were made had created a huge impact in my personal growth into me today.

You see, venturing into adulthood is not an easy feat. It doesnt change automatically when one's age hits 21. It sure takes alot of falling down here and there, and making the moments of discovery on things that were never done before, and the changing of perspectives to reach the initial transformation into adulthood. As an old African proverb goes: "do not look where you fell, but where you slipped", I am thankful of these experiences as they made me stronger, as I look back, retrospectively.

Life is not a merciful teacher, so therefore, we have to grit our teeth and sweat/bleed/cry it while we are hit with the impact, but the lessons are drilled deep into our hearts and mind to make lasting impressions, and creating new values in our lives, to make it a whole lot meaningful after the ordeal.

Not to say that I or anyone is perfect now, but we do make mistakes here and there, it is the ability to get on the feet and move on that's important, and most often than not, the most difficult of all tasks. For as human beings, we embrace status quo and hate changes with a passion.

Thus, moving forward, I really appreciate every little things and successes that comes into my life. I really treat every given day (take dating PP for example), as a blessing. One shouldn't be too complancent over it, and take it for granted, and of course, that applies to every aspect of life as well, and therefore, I treat every day or thing that I do as my last, and optimise every given opportunity.

As an individual that hits the age of two six, there are still plenty of discoveries that I had yet to make, so, slow and steady I guess, while I gain a bigger ground and move into doing even bigger things in life, such as settling down, family planning etc.

Being mature sure have it's hefty price to pay, but at the end of the day, all is worth it. "Don't judge a man's success by how high he climbs, but how high he bounces when he hits rock bottom" George S Patton.

Emotional Echoes II

2011-09-23T00:31:00.001+08:00

*Disclaimer: The post below does not target any specific individual, but a group of different stereotypes that I had encountered lately. So, read with an open mind. No Offence, I just want to vent*

They say that the stronger one is emotionally, the more fragile he is inside.

And today, I have a confession to make, I am one such person.

However, I can't cry, however much I want to. Whenever things seems too overwhelming, I always grit my teeth, clench my fists, and take the blows head on, however hard the impact, however harsh the situation. Never a single tear dropped in years, perhaps more than a decade, since I had the sensation of tearing due to overwhelming emotions. I hardly vent, for I am only capable of bottling everything inside.

Time and time again, I survived through pure willpower, and a strong resolve. A resolve to be mentally strong to take whatever challenges life throw to me, to face adversity straight in the face, and to be the pillar of support for everyone else, never erupting, keeping my emotions in check, so I do not hurt anyone.

What a joke. I am always so selfless, taking care of everybody, but myself, showing empathy, being tactful and when dealing with the mundane, yet complex human to human relationship. Regretably, it was never reciprocrated to the same degree. Seldom was empathy shown to me, nor people talking to me tactfully. Everyone hurled me with their problems, their fucking bitch fits, and expected to be heard.

Is it so difficult to like shut the fuck up once in awhile, and just tell yourself and accept the fact that the world don't spin in your fucking direction? Is it so difficult to understand that not everyone think like you do, or behave like you do? Is it so difficult to understand that I am also a human being, and I am dying to scream at your face and introduce this wonderful invention called mirror and take a good look at your own reflection? Are you really that flawless to begin with? It takes 2 hands to clap, and if there's no fire added to the oil (intentionally), would it even burn?

Nobody learns to avoid. Everybody wants a piece of the attention pie. Don't choke on it. And I really think you guys should go fuck yourself, and give me a break. All I get are problems after problems, conflicts after conflicts, day in day out, just so because none of your are open minded enough, and all of you are sensitive motherfuckers that always behave like someone's gonna stab you in the back. Seriously, arn't any of you guys tired and even sorry that you have created this pile of shit in the first place and expect ME to fucking clear it for you all the time, just because of my rank or position, I am expected to do the cleanup all the time. ARNT YOU GUYS BABIES!? HELLO!?

Now that I said enough, I am retreating back into my inner world. Don't be suprise if I am cold, don't be suprise if I don't speak. That's the only way I can protect myself, and keep my emotions in check, until the tsunami of emotions subsides. I will re-emerge, better, stronger, but emotionally scarred.

I am thankful that god blessed me with a strong heart and mind, and a benevolent spirit to deal with these, for I can't breakdown, and I must press on.

I guess, sometimes, all I need is someone that truly understands, a listening ear, a hug that I badly needed, and I will be contented.

The retail culture

2011-09-13T23:09:00.002+08:00

They say that people working in the retail industry are lonely people. I can't help but concur. A stroll down Suntec City and Marina square has gotten me encounter with 3 Starbucks partners (managers/Store managers to be exact) that are strolling alone, which includes myself. Of course I stopped and had some random banter with them, and they were all out alone.

Can't help but pity all of us, stuck in this vicious cycle of shift work, drawing us far away from the good ol' vibrant social life out there. In off days like this, what can we do? Where all our friends are working in the offices, who can we hang out with other than ourselves or just to head back to store just to kill that boredom and emptiness. Even when it comes to travelling, I travel alone (twice only la), well, easiest way to plan for a solo getaway and it's not really harsh on the pocket, flexi schedule too, all adds onto the sense of adventure. (Comes to think about it, maybe a 2-3 days solo getaway in a cruise sounds really tempting :D ).

Very ironic situation. When you are free, the friends will usually be busy working, and vice versa, OR, we are too tired to meetup after a hard day in store, running shifts can be really be an endless energy sink sometime, and the body's too drained to do anything else other than heading home. Not to mention that firefighting situation always happens, and we will be activated back to work, just to cover the insufficient manpower. So yea, the friends will always be complaining and sooner, one by one will give up on asking you out, and we will be isolated.

Well, of course it is not the end of the world, to each of it's own. What I get in return is of course a good career advancement where it might take the rest years to climb, and many many precious working experiences that will definitely comes in handy as I climb up the corporate ladder.

What to do? All these for the better future of my love ones, and myself. What I lack, I have to work triple hard to acheive. As always, you win some, you lose some. I am confident, that my sacrifices today, will be paid off in the future. Well, that's my only motivation that keeps me going, albiet the rejections that I had faced in life. If I don't do it, who will? There's no easy way but to earn it, and as always, it's now or never. I gotta do it while I still have the chance, than live to regret later, for, a dream will stay as a dream unless actions are taken to bring it into reality. The leo in me concur.

But of course, I am forever grateful that certain of my friends never deserted me in times of need, forever so accomodating to my schedules, and of course, a certain partner that never fails to brighten my shifts up. What more can I ask for?

Not like it will be the end of my somewhat lonely days. many more ahead to come, I just have to endure. All shall come in good time, and I believe.

Heart's rendition

2011-09-13T15:52:00.000+08:00

They say that a picture speaks a thousand words, so let this video speaks a million words. Can't find anything better that resonates so clearly with what my heart feels. The pain is.. undescribable.

There are always sacrifices to be made, and somebody will have to make a trip to hell. I'll do it, and I will make sure I come back up.

Like always, I'll return bigger, better, faster and stronger. I never change, and so is my stand. If I'd give up so easily, I ain't Jack. I survive, on pure willpower. As usual, I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I have nothing, but time. So let me put myself to the test, again.

我一定要加油!

If i told you i felt perfect i'd be lying
If there's something i'm not doing girl im trying
But you know im no angel
But im not so bad.

Of urban exploration, travelling, wanderlusting and reminiscence

2011-09-09T02:33:00.002+08:00

So, how long have I neglected urban exploration and what's not, so asked the wanderlust inner child. The long chat I had while chilling over drinks with Colin and Felicia yesterday got me thinking again. Travelling, adventure, food trail, urban explorations, and cultural immersions has always being part of my annual agenda. Nothing major done this year, except for the recent Bangkok trip of pilgrimage and shopping madness.

Looking back, those were the days where I, or a buncha of us, bored as hell, would just meet up and go on to random places just for the sake of finding good food, or simply just to explore. You'll be pleasantly suprised to note that whilst Singapore is small, the sidewalks, boulevards and lorongs are filled to the brim with awesome food places, and other unique knick knacks that no shopping centres can offer. Abandoned buildings, are of course, the next highlights, of course, with the risk of us being caught for trespassing. From the abandoned Bruneian Hostel, nestled deep within the party crazed Dempsy Hill, to the infamous Old Changi Hospital, Old Commando Barracks, and certain deserted beaches/coves along Lim Chu Kang, all these brings out a deep sense of fun and the anxiety of not knowing what to expect next, just like a modern day Indiana Jones. Except that these time round, we are not exploring caves or what's not, but buildings that potentially be hazardous due to the weakening structure, or it's "other world occupants".

The old Bruneian Hostel taken from my iPhone

And of course, not to forget about travelling. I love travelling, and I want to visit many many many many many places, given the time and $. I am a sucker to travelling, from luxury trips to backpacking, I am game. I love visiting exotic places, and away from the "touristy" places of attractions, for thats where I can immerse right smack into the local culture. Sidewalks in Bangkok, walking through slums in Jarkarta, Cambodia and Bandah Aceh (during my disaster relief mission post 2005 Tsunami). Too many places to recall at the back of my head, but here's 1 pic of a traditional Cambodian wet market where I was purchasing supplies for the children of the poor Cambodian orphange. Good times, eye openers, and more of such trips to come hopefully. Male and my friend's family own Beach resot (Maldives) for luxury trip, and a backpacking trip down Tibet/Nepal to catch the sight of Himalayas, and the lake of past life. Till than, here's the pics:

Cambodian Wet Market for groceries purchase at localised prices (dirt cheap, their super markets are cut throats)

Pub Street, Siem Reap

Distributing supplies to a children shelter with no address, in a slum, Cambodia.

Introspective Me

2011-09-01T17:53:00.000+08:00

Now, I always love to spend some quality time with no other than me, myself and I. I think I am probbably used to this lifestyle anyway, always feeding the inner child in me with endless attention and to appease his wanderlust moments, and bouts of attention seeking moments.

Like I say, I am really used to spend time alone, from being a couch potato to an adventurer, I had being there done that. Come to think about it, the entire romance with myself started ever since my Uni days, where I will be the first to reach the school library and the last to leave, just to research on my endless assignments and to mug for exams, and I do it alone sometimes as the rest of my cliques are too lazy to travel to school and value their bed more to make their way down. Suprisingly, I am able to substain such a routine for 3 years, and I kinda like it.

I embrace the freedom to do whatever I want, however I want. In a way, it is also to discipline myself, for the love of my academic results. You see, as a ITE grad, I am not born smart technically. So, the only way to offset the difference, is for me to work doubly hard for my studies. Having fun, well, is only savoured as a reward during the holiday season for all the hardwork put in. I work in MDA on and off during my holidays anyway, so it's not like I have all time in the world to enjoy.

I am a strong believer that the ample preparations must be made to enter the merciless society, and nobody will make it if we simply just induge in fun and nothing else, during the days of our academic lives. Seriously, I had so much fun during my Secondary school days that I fucked my results up, and I ain't gonna fuck the rest of my life, just for pleasure. I guess, pleasure will come when everything is on track.

No life? yep, very no life, even till today. From a studiholic to a workaholic, what's new? Well, I enjoy the finer things in life, such as travelling, chilling over nice drinks, food hunting and visiting unique restaurants. As the old saying goes, "No pain, no gain", therefore, it is a necessity for me to work my arse off to acheive what I want tomorrow, literally.

Fact is, I am not borned with a silver spoon, nor the intellegence, so, I can only stick to the golden rule above to earn my own silver spoon. So far, the hardwork has shown some results; Getting numerous scholarships since my ITE days, acheiving my degree with 2nd Class Honors grade 1, being the fastest promoted Store Manager in Starbucks Singapore history (working from bottom's up) etc. Sweet little victories I must say, and baby steps towards the path I set for my ultimate success. And of course, I love to see the faces of my really rich relatives and whats not whenever they asked about me or making comparison to their offsprings.

I want to soar among the eagles, not with the turkeys. I want to prove to people that look down on me that I can make a difference, by doing and acheiving things the right way, even though I have a far inferior background compared to the rest of them. I want to do great things to acheive even greater things, so that I can give my family the lives that they deserve, and to have greater power and ability to help the people that truly deserves it. I want to run a orphanage and groom every single one of them to be the great individual that they can be, given the right opportunity.

Big ambition yes? Of course! But all these are simply just dreams, if I sit still and do nothing, and whining how unfair is life, and on the contrary, I think life is fair actually. If there's a will, there's a way, and one can only savour success when one last till the end. So, I will never trade anything now, for the future will be bigger, faster, stronger and better. Acheiving financial freedom is not a dream.

送你一首歌..

2011-08-27T21:10:00.000+08:00

送给你一首歌... 一定要加油! 一定要幸福! 一定要快乐! 飞吧..

现在的我虽然孤单, 但，却很平静.. 我想.. 这也就够了吧. 人生的路还很长, 如果那一天我们再相遇, 那... 应该就是缘分吧.

我也要加油! :)

龍上.

The Climb.

2011-08-10T22:36:00.000+08:00

Hmm.. so, another birthday come and go. 1st August 2011, the day where I hit 26 years old, officially. So, quoting from Wany, "alittle older, alittle wiser". Can't agree more to this statement, and truth to be said, I am alot more wiser as compared to the rest of my peers.

But anyway, I had a blast, with my dearest friends from Tarot Chaos drawing first blood by giving me the best birthday suprise of the decade with a mcsuprise and a mcparty, followed by a series of awsome celebrations and ending it with Hosted By The Patio, with the Live band singing songs to me, with another cake! So, a bad day at work ended with a big bang. The next day, I had to run full shift (again) after less than 3 hrs of sleep, Pris (help me count stock and bought me awesome duck rice for dinner!) and the rest of the partners made my day, and it was another day filled with blessings and what's not, though I have to work full shift that day, and it was stockcount. On the actual day, the partners on shift actually gave me a huge bday card (yes I have to work on my bday). And Mr Aloy and his gf Alina, gave me a hell of a make up bday celebration with endless rounds of drinks (graveyard urgh).

I have never expected anything for my birthday, as regards to other years, for I never really celebrated any, but this's years celebration alone made it up for all the years of neglect, I am truly truly touched by every single gesture. Never felt more like a star :) Special thanks to everyone that wishes me on facebook, SMSes and overseas phonecalls. Damn touching la, aiyo! Total of 130+ blessings and counting.

As always, I will dedicate my one and only birthday wish to someone special, so this year, I think the recipient already know who she is, so yea, I hope it come true :)

On a heavier note, being 26 does highlights alot of difficulties and obstacles on what lies ahead. Of course, as the age goes by, the responsibilities just gets stronger, and so is my resolve to get them done. Having said all these, alot of committments and sacrifices needs to be put in, and luck plays a really huge factor here. So the best I can put it is that, I hope my hardwork will be paid off someday. It is never about how fast I can get there, nor what lies on the other side, for, it's the climb that's important. And thus, I will have faith, be strong, and just keep pushing on. I am a patient man, and I have all the time in the world, and I have nothing to lose :) Amen

Of flying and falling. The art of Astral Projection

2011-08-06T22:43:00.000+08:00

Looks like I am really good at astral projection, and a lucid dreamer as well. Gotta test out my spititual limit, and see how far I can go. I love to fly, and I am born to fly : )

If you ever see me in your dream, say hi to me, it might be a real visitation ;)

Test for predisposition to Astral projections, lucid dreams and out of body experiences

Astral Projection:

56%

Out-of-Body-Experience:

19%

Lucid Dreams:

51%

Congratulations! You've been out of your body at will, and if it is not a result of special training, you have an in-born capacity to journey to the astral plane. With your capacities you won't find it difficult to master the methodologies of healing, operating bioenergetics, clairvoyance, etc. Develop them and you'll reach considerable results!

Emotional Echoes

2011-08-05T05:58:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, all I ever need, it somebody to tell me, that everything would be alright.
A genuine hug and a pat across the back, without saying a word.

Even as an INFJ, I am also a human, in fact, more human than any others, the most sensitive of all. Please stop rubbing salt onto it.

I am an INFJ. What's yours?

2011-08-04T22:15:00.000+08:00

So for people that are confused with my previous post, i took a psychological test (one of the best in the professional field), names as the meyers brigg test. You can try it here and find out more in this link, if not everything, about yourself.

I am an INFJ, and among the 6 billion human population, there's only less than 1% of the global human population that have this personalitiy. I am proud to say, I am born unique, and now it is proven.

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging

Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.
"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.
Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).
This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Credit goes to: Marina Margaret Heiss and Joe Butt

So now, there you go, me in a nutshell.

In a state of Limbo

2011-08-04T22:04:00.000+08:00

So what do one do when one is stuck in a limbo? Continue the self obsession and get trapped in a neverending emotional sink, or choose the path of transition towards unfamiliar ground, out of comfort zone, and out of the self rhapsody of bitter sweet feeling of melancholy?

As time goes by, and age catches up, I had seen countless people being the victim of their own obsessions, caught in a deadlock of decisions, incumbent, blaming everyone and everything about their "FML" situations. Yet, I had also seen people with nothing, no proper roofs above their heads, people without proper clothings to combat the ever changing climate, people whom don't know when their next meal would be after this one, and people without any proper education. But these people, have the shine in their eyes, the hope and gratitude transcended from their soul, and transmitted through their eyes. They never once whine about not having anything, no family, whilst they try to make best out of their everyday, to push them towards a uncertain future, rather than looking back.

They, have nothing, yet, they have everything. We, have everything, yet, we have nothing. See the ironies of this? All these insights were gained through my many years of volunteering, being sent as a relief advance party of the SAF to out of the way village in Bandah Aceh, and of course in my recent escapade into a rural children shelter in Siem Reap, Cambodia.

I am really impressed with how these people deal with life, no matter how harsh the conditions may be, always struggling to survive, but never loose hope. Yet, when I compared it to us, where we were given everything, we never seem to be contented, always blaming life for treating us badly. Yes, I do agree that everybody have their own problems, but when we compared ourselves to them, everything seems so mundane, so trival.

I admit that I ain't an angel, for I do have my "FML" moments. But there's one thing that I always believe, and that is to make the best out of everyday, inspiring and making a differences to everyone that I can touch, hoping to make a differences here and there in their lives. Some listened, while some, took it for granted, but nevertheless, I had done my best to inspire or motivate them, or simply just to bring a smile to them, hoping for nothing in return, other than a word of gratitude and appreciation.

As the days go by, my the situation of my life seems to go harsher and harsher, while I retreat deeper and deeper into my inner sanctum of my heart, bottling everything inside to heal, somehow, I wish somebody can just hug me and whisper in my ears, that everything is alright, and bring me back to live, moving me away from this sticky situation. I need redemption, to save my poor lonely soul. For the giver, we also hope to receive, once in awhile.

You win some, your lose some..

2011-07-28T20:54:00.000+08:00

They say in life, you win some, you loose some. Well, that's kinda a harsh fact that everyone has to accept from time to time.

Over these past period, while I am quite satisfied with my accomplisments so far in terms of my career progression, but to the other aspects of life, I am still somewhat.. lacking.. Well, allow me to whine alittle, but I guess as age catches up with me, there seems to be so many things that are left unfulfiled till this very day.

Of course, there were mistakes made here and there, alittle regrets here and there as well, as I looked back on how much time I had wasted on doing nonsensical stuff that doesn't benefit me in one way or another. Big time sink of nothingness actually. Ah well, at least I learned not to repeat the same mistakes thereafter, and that's what matters.

You see, as age catches up with me, and when you see ALL your surrounding peers getting attached, married or engaged (12 wedding invitations and counting mind you), I suddenly realised for the 1st time that time is running out. So I guess in a mad rush of things, I did everything I can to fill the particular void of my life with activities. Like a madman on a rampage, I rushed through my education (almost died from overdosed of books haha) and what's not. And now, I am in a mad rush of my career, where things seemed to slowed down significantly when I acheived the title of being a store manager.

I guess, that's the proudest acheivements that I had so far.. for the others.. nothing I guess. Sometimes, I feel that after doing all these, there's still things that are missing. So I filled my void with tangible luxuries that I had always wanted, but never gotten. Bags, watches, my alienware MX11 laptop :p, things that I can only dream and drool on whilst I was a penniless student. But after gotten all these, I still don't seem to be satisfied, and I don't know why. In fact, I felt even emptier after I gotten these items, as there seems to be nothing to look forward to again. Of course, there's still the big ticket items that I need to work forward to (e.g. car and an apartment), but these are still a long way to go (damn COE), and of course my current pay will never be able to sustain this 2 money sink.

On the emotional and social front, of course, it's still pretty much empty. These are times where when you wanna seek company, and you realised that there's not much folks to ask, as they would be spending time with their love ones, it would be kinda bad to disturb their plans. And of course, when it comes to me having something to share, there's technically nobody I can share my happiness and sadness with, and thus, everything bottles inside. But of course, support from friends are here and there, but technically, they arn't always around when I needed somebody. Family being next, don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful family that I would never trade anything for, but still, there are certain things that I can't relate to my folks.

And so what's left for me to do? Bury myself in work that is.. spending most of my time in store, if not, alone, either trapped in my own room, or roaming/chilling outside somewhere, with my trusty phone and laptop that would not leave me.

Shitty experiences still, but life goes on nonetheless. And that's why I cherish everyone that come into my life, making the best out of situation, though many still left for their own agenda at the end, for ultimately, people come and go. I dared myself to love and of open up my heart, so I expect heartbreaks here and there, but the quest will continues, for I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.I have never seeked anything in return, except for their smiles and acknowledgement.

What to do? I'll just continue to bite the bullet, for whatever life hurls to me, and find my way out of this dark times, and try to indulge in little moments of happiness, even though they are shortlived. I am still contented. I just hope that life can show alittle mercy on me, and give me her blessings after I struggled through these hard times. As the setbacks continues to unfold one after another, I will not falter and continue the harsh journey ahead, seeking a way out, or up.

For when one hits rock bottom, the only way to go, is up. The battle continues...

Pure eargasm..

2011-07-20T23:54:00.000+08:00

2 of my all time fav Sax players. Pure eargasm. Kudos to great music.

KTV soon anyone?

2011-07-20T22:51:00.000+08:00

Ah.. KTV soon anyone? :)

As the dust settles..

2011-07-20T01:28:00.005+08:00

So, as all things comes to pass, what's next for me?

Sitting alone at a pub really got me pondering this question. Should I just stay in my comfort zone or should I move on, seeking a new adventure, experiencing what life can offer while we take the painful step ahead to unfold the mysteries.

Letting go and moving on is definitely a huge challenge, afterall, we are all humans, and as humans, it is our nature to resist change. Inevitably, we all change, from time to time, wether we like it or not, as the society conforms us to change to fit in, and as we struggle through the randomness of life and nature day to day.

If one has tried it's best, one shouldnt have any more regrets and move on, afterall, turning back may bring you slight initial comfort, but things will never feel and can never be the same again, as we evolve emotionally and subconciously, as trying again, now and than, will still yield the same results, short of a miracle, trapping ourselves into situations that they can't get out of.

It is a challenge for anyone to understand that none of us doesn't change overnight, and sometimes, it takes years for noticable changes to sets in, or never at all. However, the ironic fact will always exist that whatever we do, is all in the name of happiness, even as we try and try again.

For my case, I always love to challenge the status quo of things, trying different things out, and have an holistic experience, so that I can grow stronger as time progresses. I had made many mistakes that have hugely impacted my life, alittle regrets here and there, but hey, I don't have anymore time to have regrets anymore, thus, it's now or never.

Looking back, I think it's really a rude awakening of my self, as this wasn't the me 10 years back, where I had a very naive view of the world, where everything will be happily ever after, just like a fairy tale. However, reality hurts so bad, and even as protrayed in fairy tale, the characters also must go through hell and torture before they have their respective happy endings.

Truth happiness can only be acheived when we learn to take things on our stride, moving forward even with great fear and pain, for you never know, better things awaits that makes everything I have gone through worthwhile after all these sacrifices. I am all but willingly to go through the test again, if fate decides to put any given situation or person back in my path again as I venture forward, I will definitely give it my all, and make the best out of the situation, without regrets.

So, as the dusts settles from the recent events, I pray to be the stronger and better person to bear through more pain and sacrifices, all in the name of hope and love, for I always believe, good things will come to people that wait, and for people that goes through pain and sacrifices.

Till the time comes, I will bite the bullet and take the next painful step forward, to the next horizon and to see that really beautiful rainbow, to make the journey worthwhile. For ultimately, I still believe in love, and will always try again, just to seek simple happiness. To put it simply, I had never asked for anything, so, anything that comes along the way is a bonus :)

Amen to that.

You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. - Dr Seuss

What lies over the next horizon?

2011-07-19T01:41:00.001+08:00

In challenging times like this, one will always ask, what's next? What lies over the horizon?

I think within these few days, I had being slammed with this question over and over again in my mind. In retrospect, I think I had struggled through these tough times simply with willpower alone, mind over body kinda thing.

I can't really say that I am dealing with it well, but I just managed to get by, topping it up with sleepless nights and constant heartaches. I am thankful that I survived these heart wrenching moments, but I have no regrets. Afterall, when I open up my heart again, I am prepared to get hurt and gained nothing. But than again, it may seems like I have nothing, but I think I gained everything. All things in life have a beginning and a closure, and a proper time and place to happen.

Moving forward, I haven't changed, but simply, I gained a deeper perspective of myself. Going through the 3 foundations of learning: Seeing much; Studying much; Suffering much. After this slight detour, I am back on track, having a new direction, to seek new discoveries, simply just enjoying the journey. Afterall, these overcoming challenges so far in my life, is nothing but beneficial, I learned alot, and I grow and mature as a person. All these sets me aside between being a real man from a boy, as I learn to take things on my stride, and keep them as fond memories, strengthening me, empowering me to move forward. This is only just the beginning, more challenges ahead, but I will overcome fear, and venture ahead, for fear has being my biggest ally and teacher.

I pray for a miracle. May god bless, and let my heart leads the way over the horizon. May fate guide me to the correct path. If one day fate brings me back to you, than it is our destiny, if not, than, come what may. If it ever happens, just do not close your heart and live in denial, have faith and trust love, because I do, and always will.

I will become a stronger, much more dependable and richer man, I will be ready. Come what may...

Open up your mind, hear the voice inside, seek your destiny. Future shines so bright, when you believe.

I Believe.

Roller Coasting

2011-07-12T01:42:00.000+08:00

Some say that if you never go through hell and come back up in any given situation, you will never truthly understand the value of it. And I concur, it's true.

It's being a while since I ever had this experience, on an emotional roller coaster. The highs and the lows, in a short span of 1 week. I can't really put a word to it, but somehow, it's refreshing and unique. Having said that, I think I had come in sync with my emotions, awakening something that had laid dormant for years. In retrospect, this feeling only stirred madly whilst I was with my ex. Felt the weight of everything crashing down, where nothing seems to go right, nor in control. I think it is really not easy to juggle between a bad relationship, academic results and partime work at the same time. Took a huge toll on me and I almost burnt out, literally.

Pretty weird for one like me that loves to manages and keep things under control, especially to such touchy topic such as emotions. Man, I really went out of control to the point i freaked out, well, at least I know I am not cold blooded. Quite a big revealations for me really.

After this ordeal, I suppose all is good now, and I am truly content of the everything that is happening in my life right now. I guess, with faith and alittle courage, everything will still turn out alright. Even if it didnt, at least I tried, and I believed. Well, what matters most, is that such roller coaster rides spiced up my life, and they are lessons that came in bite size forms, easy to digest forms. Really thankful for the experience, for I made new discoveries about myself, but someone else : ) .

Moving forward, I pray that good things will come for those whom wait, come what may.

What are words?

2011-07-07T22:49:00.000+08:00

Sup people? 2 years from last post, and time for a dash of fresh paint to this space.

Yes, your's truthly has not forgotten about this space, where I vent, I bitch and ponder about. Precious memories are inked here, that matters to me, most importantly.

Ah, developments. 2 years plus zoomed past and alot had happened. In a nutshell, I went thru hell and came back up. Gotten my degree, getting employed, and unemployed and employed again yada yada.. and now, I ended up being a Store Manager of a humble store in Starbucks Singapore. For people that know me inside out, it is definitely a dream come truth. Had my share of challenges and successes along the journey, and bamp! One year later, I came out stronger than before. Growing in a holistic way is really hard and painful, getting rid of old habits and forming new ones are likewise, and more to come, more punishments to take, and all these will turn out into something worthwhile, hopefully.

Met many people that came and go along the way, new friendships forged and some forgotten. Moving forward, the circle is reduced but it definitely grew tighter.

Emotionally, still as empty as ever, upheaval here, alittle storm there, some sunshine along the way.Ultimately, I still do enjoy the journey, though I was hoping that things can be alittle simpler, and life can go easy on me for awhile. As most of you guys know, I am not a man of many words, and I usually bottle up many stuff that are not meant for alot of ears. Acceptance, Compromise, and Tolerance are the 3 key learnings I guess.

So once again, this little big man expresses himself in words better versus speech. Moving forward, I hope to grow into an individual that will not disappoint. I am being really random but ya, its hard to organised 2 years of chaos into neat paragrahs. Proven that I can't write biography hah!

Anyway! Till the next post, thanks for reading.

of my Divinatory Tarot Readings sessions

2009-07-01T21:22:00.004+08:00

Well, being sometime since the last updates.

I am manage to pick up Tarot cards reading recently, and it is fast becoming a new hobby of mine. Anyway, to cut long story short, I have gotten my own set of Tarot Deck, the Rider Waite Smith's Golden Edition Tarot (Very expensive mind you!), and I am turning into a pretty proficient Tarot reader.. click on the link to see the pictures of the cards..

Bought books on Tarot and did alot of research over the internet.. tonnes of reading up to do and I am very intrigued by all the information that are presented to me. I have being practicing and the feedback I gotten so far are very positive..

I did General readings for my friends on their finance, romance, health etc.. I did weekly/monthly forecasts, advises on sticky problems, outcomes/results on making certain choice etc... the readings are getting so eerily accurate that it gives me goosebumps, even as a reader myself..

Thing is that I did a 3 card reading weekly forecast for Jeffery last week for the this week. Instantly I told him that in the between Monday to Wednesday, he may have health issues and he will seek help from the hospital. True enough, Jeffery did went to the hospital, but it was his dad that was admitted, today (Wednesday). His dad gone into a state of coma since Tuesday night and did not regain conscious till now, and he suffered a stroke while in his sleep. And if my forecast for him is correct, he (or his dad) will be fine by the end of the week..

Thanks to the Tarots I am gaining new wisdom bit by bit everyday and I learned more about myself. I feel kinda happy that my readings actually helped alot of friends in solving certain issues of theirs.. seeking of divinatory help does works IMO, when you believe..

All the forecasts that I had made so far are falling into place one by one, and it also had a great impact on my friends, and they are starting to trust on my readings/forecasts for them.

Anyway, I hope that Jeff's dad would be fine, and the prayers from everyone in our circle of friends goes to him. Hope everything will be ok, as the 3 cards forecasts indicates..

--------

On a completely side issue, I need to get a shirt or 2 from Zara and prepare for my job interview(s) ahead.. I just realise that I do not have any decent long-sleeve shirt(s) that are appropriate for work.. and I wanna get another Tarot deck (Druid-Craft) that I am eyeing for awhile now..

My birthday is coming in 30 days *hint hint*.. hope some of your can make my wishlist above come true lol

A Passing of A Friend

2009-06-16T11:03:00.002+08:00

SAF serviceman dies in Taiwan

A SINGAPORE Armed Forces (SAF) regular serviceman was found unconscious in his bunk in a Taiwanese military facility on Monday morning.

First Sergeant (1SG) Ang Joo Pin, was discovered motionless at 7.15am and was given immediate medical attention by an SAF senior medic.

The 30-year-old ammunition technician was sent to the nearby hospital and efforts to resuscitate him continued en route but to no avail.

He was pronounced dead at 7.40am.

Ang was in Taiwan to support the SAF's unilateral training.

The Ministry of Defence (Mindef) and the SAF said they extend their deepest condolences to Ang's family and will assist the family in their time of grief.

Mindef is investigating the incident.

==================================================================

RIP 1SG Ang Joo Pin, you will always be remembered by me as a friend. My condolences extended to his family and he will always be remembered by the rest by all ex fellow platoon mates.

Of Silence Broken..

2009-05-31T20:27:00.006+08:00

After 1 year, I have finally broken my silence. To what end, I dont know, and I dont even know what compelled me to do it.. What I am trying to show? What am I trying to prove? Questions.. questions.. questions...

However, I did found out about the missing piece that had exists, and that is faith..

It sounds all so familiar but yet so distant now..

Wondering.. pondering.. reminiscing..

All is clear now.. All is good now..

There is no clear way ahead, but going back is definitely not the way..

There are certain things in life that one must just live without. Where fate will definitely keep you out.

A twist in fate and driven by destiny, the prophecy being unfolded while Karma judged on me.

I had no further part towards this play, but to play my fiddle into another's fray.

It all come to pass that all left is of nothingness, where nothing that happened ever matters.

The bittersweet feelings of love, is nothing but just a game that is meaningless.

Blinded my hate and terrorized by nightmares, the fight ensues with the bane of my life.

There are no winner, there is no loser, but both are left to pick up the broken pieces.

Riding alone towards the wild wild west, this is where my life will be put to the test.

Dancing my solitary tango through the rest of the days, my faith will definitely waltz in and save me some day.

My dreams are all that is left, where my beliefs will fuel it with all that I have.

Maybe I will or maybe I wont, but who knows what will god's will?

========

I like to type in a very poetic and abstract manner when I am deep in thoughts. Sorry if any of you cant understand.

On a side note.. counting down to 3 days till exam. All hell break lose, and the mugging has already begin...

Of the future.. and of reminisces

2009-05-29T22:06:00.006+08:00

A year and a half has passed in a flash. Within this period, I am/had

- completing my Bachelor degree with a expected result of 2nd upper class

- gained a fair degree of wisdom

- gained new insights into life, and about myself

- learned to believe

- Kept a goatee and improved my looks (somewhat, and yes I am vain)

- Improved my dress sense

- lived thru my savings that I had made before my degree

- learned that life is never that simple

- successfully transit into singlehood after much struggle

- have a greater control in my life

- leading a more lonely, but also a more carefree life.

- do stupid things that I had never done before

- get to know alot of interesting folks of different nations.

- Went on self sponsered holidays

- Worked really hard on my education, and still is..

- Planning on my Master Degree

- Planning about my future

- Getting my Diver's license

- Get my arse to Maldives and stay at my friend father's resort and go on a diving trip.

And the list goes on.. and on.. and on.. and on..
===============================================================

This is me now..

I had accomplished things that I never thought would be possible. Now, who says that an ITE graduate CANNOT become a degree holder? I had done helluva things that had changed the impressions of alot of folks, especially those who looked down on me.

Of course there would be more greater things/improvements ahead, but I just want to celebrate this small milestone of mine that alof of people would have thought it being impossible for me to acheive.

For those who looked down on me (or still does), I will repeat this one more time, " I will proof you wrong and I will make sure you eat back and get choke with your words".

I had stand on my feet with the support of my family and all my great friends. I know who to trust and who not to, and I know who finally sticked with me till the end.

I was emotionally wounded and shocked, but I am in control of my emotions. I learned to steel myself and develop a greater defence against such trying times again. I had to resurrect my old self and walk down the painful path of recovery, but all was good at the very end.

I am me.. and I look forward to my future. 5 years (starting Jan 1 2010) is the plan, than 5 years it will be. There is more to life that I expect, and I believe it will happen. That is what is important. My Beliefs, my faith and my dreams, with these, there would always be something to look forward to and work forward to. This is afterall, my simple yet complicated life..

There can only be miracle.. when you believe.. I do..

Mi vida simple con todo complicada..

Te Echo de Menos..

Emo-ing

2009-03-26T00:44:00.002+08:00

*Disclaimer*
WARNING! The following post is not for the weak hearted, Strong language are used, parental advisory rated. Do NOT proceed if you can't accept people being EMO and hit alt-F4 to close your browser. None of these post below targets any group of my friends, but directed at some external sources of retards and people I dislike. *End of Disclaimer*

I need time to be alone, yet I feel lonely most of the time.. I feel Lonely.. I feel Bored.. I feel Helpless.. I feel Hopeless.. I feel Empty.. I feel Broke.. I feel controlled.. I feel Angry.. I feel Confused..

Urgh.. I have this pent up frustration in me that I cant let out.. Overlapping emotions that contradicts one another, like a failed witch's brew. God damn it.. this sucks.. and retards just have to enter and mess up my life when I thought everything WAS ok.. I wish you all a long happy life and good health, burn in HELL you MOTHERFUCKERS!

I Mean Come on, I tried my best and yet I have to get shit in return, what the fuck is this? I don't deserve this shit... Why do you think you even deserve happiness when you cause all these misery? Why is everybody having the time of their life while I seem bounded to neverending duty and responsibilities? Why is my life dictated my neverending rules and other garbage concept when all I need is alittle FREEDOM to DECIDE on my OWN?

/End of Emo...

Sorry for all these nonesensical ramblings.. I have too much shit built inside me for the past 1 year and I need to unload before I explode.. Now I would just need a place to scream my lungs out and everything would be perfect : )..

I need a getaway.. ecaspe all this rubbish for awhile and recharge.. any sponsor(s)? ; )

Have I made your day?

2009-03-23T21:18:00.002+08:00

Sometimes life just have its magical moments where a few words and simple actions needs to be said/done for the magic to happen. I learned when one said that I had made her day, it also made my day too.

Not too hard eh? Everyone should do this more often and see the magic happens : ) . Ah.. the simplicity of life is sometimes so profound yet so simple to understand.. have you made someone's day yet?

Raging Bull or Mellow Ox?

2009-01-29T23:14:00.003+08:00

How's the 4 days of the new year treating everyone? I hope everybody enjoyed themselves, like I do, I thoroughly enjoyed myself the passed few days with endless new year goodies and gambling ;) .

The year of the Ox also marks the milestone of me turning 24 (or 25, for the matter of the lunar calendar), and my 2nd cycle in the wheel of the zodiac.

Sure, 24 years of life is certainly nothing to brag about, but it does matter alot to me, for the fact that I am ready to be independent as I transit from a full time degree undergrad to a working professional making a living in the merciless society. With the current economic status, things are getting bleaker every passing months, and like the other clueless classmates and friends of mine, we are hoping to land ourselves in a job and start making a living. A job that can support my family, a job that can support my lifestyle (or something close to what I want), and something that can support my dreams of the future.

For the coming months to come.. will I turning into a raging bull and charging into the future, or will I become a mellow ox procrasinating and staying clueless/aimless?

I have a plan, but I lack the drive, have I procrastinate for too long or had I forgotten all about my dream? I need to get all these straighten out.. somehow..

Happy CNY!

2009-01-26T11:34:00.003+08:00

Well, like everybody else, I will wish all readers a happy "牛" year and my good fortune shine upon you all :). If you win in Mahjong, dai dee or black jack today dont forget to split me some of your wins :D. Just j/king lol..

Enjoy and happy holidays guys!

Randomness of (my) life

2009-01-08T23:44:00.006+08:00

Time to add alittle new life into my defunct blog space, and yes, I am still alife, hi all :)

Anyway, having alittle too much time on hand for tonight, and I finally made up my mind to bestow a new post onto this blog.

Needless to say, life's being a roller coaster ride in the light of year 2008, and now, a fresh new year of 2009. Transition into singlehood/bachelorhood (with a story fit for soap opera), taking the challenge of getting a Biz Management degree, death of my beloved Great Grandma, grandfather getting a bad stroke leading to a real back depression psychologically, changed my look and finally kept a goatee.. bla bla bla.. just to name a few.

2008 had being a really eventful year I must say. Major changes that challenged the status quo of my life. The outcome wasnt too bad I must say, albeit all these sadness and major blows to my emotional being, I am standing tall in 2009 as a changed man. I am really thankful that I had a wonderful family and group of friends that supported me all the way.

I am still adjusting to my life through all these major changes, while I am still licking the sore wounds that were inflicted on me via my previous relationship with her. I am still haunted by the shades of the past. Coping with it has always being mentally challenging and emotionally straining. Well, I am still a human afterall, and I too have my limits. I can only numb my wounds by filling up the gaps with more things to do, and refocus my attention on something else. However, a revisitation of the nightmares will simply tear through the fabric of my resistance and the pain comes back doublefold. It is afterall.. a harsh reality which I accepted, and I will manage and move on with my life.

With all these being said, I am not saying that I am a perfect guy in a relationship. I have my flaws too, but lets just say that all these doesnt warrant an excuse for her to do what she had done. She approached me, and ask for forgiveness, but I can never forgive and forget, not after uncovering the layers of deceit underneath this failed relationship. I had gone way beyond human limits, and I can never push that limit again, to forgive her and embrace her back in my arms. I tried.. but I failed.. I am too exhausted to continue. She had found her happiness, but why in the world am I rewarded with these sufferings while underserving folks gets their happiness.. why me?

I do not wanna sound pathetic here, nor do I require any sympathy, I just need a avenue to unload all these in the form of words. Somehow, I feel better this way..

I had changed, although I still have (bad) habits that are hard to kick.. It is still a long road of transformation for me, while I add in the element of discipline progressively into my life. I am not as cheerful as before, but I am still trying to be one, for the sake of my family and friends. As for the matter of the heart, it will be left hollow for a long time to come. Theres nothing much I can do about as I am becoming too septical that anything good will come out from it. I hate to say this but I do admit that I yearn to find another partner that really understands me, and someone I can really trust.. contradicting isnt it?

God.. this sucks, and I really would love to get my life back on track.

Food for thoughts

2008-03-31T12:23:00.002+08:00

Many a times, I wonder what would my life turn out to be if there were changes made along the progress of my life. What will I become? Who will meet? What I will be doing? etc..

I had so many dreams, and many were left unfufilled. I wanted to be a police man when I was in my adolescent years. Than ever since my dad brought me to the beach, I fell in love with the sea. I love the splashing waves, the cool sensation of the saltish water surrounding me.. those were the days where I picked up swimming, and I progressed to the stage of being a certified lifeguard by the age of 16. I wanted to be a professional scuba diver, or being a national swimmer. When I first self picked up adobe photoshop during my ITE days, I so wanted to be a graphics designer working in a advertising firm. During my national service, I was tempted to sign the bond and be a professional soldier. I like power and command, and I thought what more could I ask for. Kat and many other friends (some being regulars themselves), discouraged me from signing the contract. And now here I am, about to take up my honours degree for business management, dreaming of making it big in my career as a businessman, earning enough to bring comfort to my family and girlfriend.

I was kinda amused recalling about all these dreams of mine. Some being really silly while others being ambitious. What would I become if I end up being in any of these dreams? Who will I meet? Will I be sucessful?

So many questions, But I will find out. At least for now, I am much more focus on my goals, having breaking off my 6 yrs relationship with her. For now, I shall concentrate on my studies and start planning out my path to success. Being a workaholic I am sure I will adept to such regime in no time. Hopefully I would be able to score a 2nd upper class honours degree when I am done. Wish me luck :).

As for her, I have no further comments but to wish her happiness. I will do other things to heal myself. Ultimately, it is still the best solution for 2 of us to part ways and for her to seek what she really want from a boyfriend, compared to the incompetent me. Still, I have to be thankful to her. For through her, I learned to be a gentlemen (abide being a lousy bf), and through her, I learn more about myself. I know of my abilities and my limits. I learned to be patient, and I learn to be tolerant. Frankly, I am no good in the role as a boyfriend, and a super unromantic guy :). A warning to girls, I am the ultimate bore.. So instead of picking this things up and seek a new relationship for the years to come, I chose the path of going solo and being single, unbounded by comittments.

Maybe one fine day, if I ever achieve financial freedom, I shall pack my suitcase and travel around the world, seeing wonderful views and experiencing different cultures. I had always wanted to be a traveler and see the world, armed with my camera and a travel journal. I want to go trekking in Tibet, scuba diving in Australia, Play Mahjong in HongKong, Whoring in Thailand, eat sushi and Ramen in Okinawa/Hokaiddo Japan, Spending a White Christmas in New York, climbing Eiffel tower in Paris, singing KTV in Taiwan, visiting the Maya Relics in South America, sheepherding in New Zealand, Racing in Germany, watching soccer in Brazil and drinking coffee in the streets of Ho Chih Minh Vietnam. Man, What a list, and this would be so much fun. Perhaps I can find a khaki or 2 to join me for the adventure. Btw, I was joking about the whoring part :p.

Wah, so ambitous, haha.. But hopefully before the day I die I can do some of them on the list. Till than, I will visit them when I sleep :D.

Anyway, today would be my last day working in Media Development Authority as a Licensing officer for the Films and Publications department (aka Singapore Board of Censorship). I have plenty of nice colleagues that took care of me. Thanks to them for the wonderful treat for today's lunch, I had a wonderful time working in MDA. Hopefully I will be able to come back to work as a perm staff again upon my graduation :). It was fun and a real eye opener, for I working the dream job that many of my guy friends envied me for haha.. Dont be jealous k fellows? :D

Well.. babbling too much again probably. My life is still a roller coaster ride, and I pray that in the coming days, it would stablise, and me not being affected by my "just ended not so long ago" relationship. I must be strong, I must be independant, I must be Happy.

Sweet Solitary

2008-03-29T11:20:00.004+08:00

Here I am again, back to the same spot just like the yr end of December 2006. Back to my solitary self, free from illusions, free from lies and whats not.. Here I am, back to the ever protective sanctuary of lonliness, dancing away to the melancholy tune in my solitary tango, in the realm which embraces darkness and devoid of light. Yes, this is my sweet solitary, my escaptism to the harsh realities. This is the only world that stays intact when all else come crashing down, the last bastion of my sainity.

I am evolving back to the good'ol Jack, the self brooding and quiet personality. In my sanctuary, I am preparing for the big chase of my dreams. Career, Money and Power.. I want them all, I desire them, all other things being secondary. The fire burning deep inside the sanctum of my heart will burn away all the painful memories and heartaches of the yesteryears.

No, I am not sick in the mind..
This is how I say goodbye to yesterday..
And never to look back anymore..
I had cried, I had nightmares..
But now..
Everything would be sealed deep in my heart, never to be seen, never to be reminded.

Love is an illusion, a realm that I dare not venture into anymore. A closed chapter in my life. I will end the mastermind of all my heartaches, chronic pain and endless sleepless nights.

I will wipe away my tears, I will heal myself. I will move on..

Lastly, these songs would be the last song that would be dedicated to the memories..

Goodbye memories. Goodbye.. love...

最後一次

Collin Raye - Love Me

Mental Jukebox

2007-05-30T09:45:00.000+08:00

张栋梁-北极星的眼泪
______________

像斷了線 消失人海裡面

我的眼終於失去 你的臉

再等一會 奢望流星會出現

願 如果真的實現

愛能不能永遠

明天 或許來不及變

但曾經走過的昨天 越來越遠

北極星的眼淚 說不出的想念

原來我們活在 兩個世界

北極星的眼淚 你哭紅的雙眼

被淋濕的諾言 淹沒在心裡面

我抬頭看著 愛不見



再等一會 奢望流星會出現

願 如果真的實現

愛能不能永遠

明天 或許來不及變

但曾經走過的昨天 越來越遠

北極星的眼淚 說不出的想念

原來我們活在 兩個世界

北極星的眼淚 你哭紅的雙眼

被淋濕的諾言 淹沒在心裡面

我抬頭看著 愛不見



當對的人 等不到對的時間

就在放開雙手的瞬間 愛撕成兩邊

北極星的眼淚 說不出的想念

原來我們活在兩個世界

北極星的眼淚 你哭紅的雙眼

被淋濕的諾言 淹沒在心裡面

我抬頭看著 愛不見

整個宇宙都 流眼淚

--------

Very Nice song.. now playing in my mental jukebox. Enjoy~

Dilemma. Broken Thoughts.

2007-05-28T12:42:00.000+08:00

Final Contradiction.

Should I stay or should I go?

Is this ok or is this not?

Am I happy or am I not?

What am I to do?

What really makes me happy?

What is real?

What is love?

What is the future?

Who am I? What am I? What will I become?

Can I cry? Cry on whose shoulder?

Why me? Why me? Why me....
.......

Abstract questions, that I forver will never find a solution to. Devoid of thoughts, and what sets in are only momental joy that fizzles upon touched. And all that's left is silence..

Smile.. is it here to stay? Or is it just something superficial? Something that is done for the sake of doing.

Anger, sadness, hopelessness, lonliness, emptiness and pain are the most everlasting effects to keep you bounded.

Forced to a corner, making a last stand. A last fight against nothing but myself. The battle that rages forever. I am my worst enemy.

Can I ever define happiness? Strange.. I can define what's unhappiness..

Can I ever forget anything and everything...

I feel hollow, and as light as air.

Setting in of sadness, feeling the lonliness, feeling my anguishness combined to my moodiness.

I am nothing.. but air..

Excuse me for now. I am just doing some random yada yada-ing...

Jaded

2007-05-25T23:11:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the slow update guys.. being busy as hell and finally have some time to update. Thanks for the patience..

Let's see.. after about 3 weeks+ of hell my exam finally ended. I doubt I will score well for lotsa modules though, especially my accounts. Think I will only scrape a pass. Oh well.. 3 weeks worth of late nights early days, endless dope of coffee and ice milo, the exam finally ended with a big bang.

Had a mini celebration after the exams with some of the gang. We went to have a ktv session as usual and we sorta sung out all out frustrations we kept during the exam period. I guess I shouted too much and I lose my voice as a result.. and I got very sick after that. Thank god the fever, flu and headache strikes only after the exam, or else.. omg.. I dont even dare to think.. sitting in for the exam in that condition..

Anyway, now that the exam episode is over, its time for the HOLIDAYS! YAY! BUT! There's nothing to celebrate about. Its time to rebuild my pocket, and that means finding a job. Now my days are filled with flipping newspaper, making phone calls here and there and travelling for interviews here and there. Well, wish me luck on landing on a job. God, I feel so tired, but beggars cant be choosers, so yea.. back to the reality. Gotta work to feed myself.

Man, I havent gotten a decent break as yet.. being working my arse off day and night.. I think I gotta reward myself alittle once I regain some vitamin "M". Perhaps a good meal or buy myself a new top.. oh well..

Being doing alot of thinking lately, with regards to some "stuff". I need solutions. I need lotsa panadols... I feel like a fucktarded asshole right now.. not here nor there, I can go fuck myself.. Damn!

I am simply feeling jaded.. and shitty. Why me? Sigh.. yada yada...

Sorry guys, excuse my ramblings.. and excuse me for my language..

On a lighter note, heres a video Jeffery introduced me to watch. Kinda funny, for a had a good laugh, and this applies to all Singapore men.. go watch it.. u will know what i mean. Enjoy.

New Skin New Look

2007-04-25T23:15:00.000+08:00

Well, Changed the skin to a white theme cause of several image screwups with the pevious 1. Did a little house cleaning as well. Hope you guys like it..

A short update. Assignments are all handed up, and I still have about 2 weeks before exam. OMFG, its creeping closer and closer. The worst is that I am still not really prepared for it LoL.. Oh well.. wish me good luck! :D

Nothing much lately really, just working hard and chilling even harder lol..tried out several new chillout spots which is really a must go visit place for my list now for night chilling. Really, no 1 spot right now would be The Altivo, which is located at the top of Mount Faber Hill with a superb view of the urbanscape and superb ambience when chilling at night. I was kinda suprise that for such a ulu place, there was actually quite a decent crowd there. Check the website out. Oh btw, the only way up there is by car, so if you do not drive, or do not have friends that drives, take a cab. Same goes for getting down. Its worth the trouble. Good ambience, good service, decent drinks and economical price. What more can you ask for?

The second place would be Villa Bali. Its a bar thats in the Balinese theme. Located at Gillman Village, this pub is my second must visit chillout spot. The ambience will immediately transport you from a urban area into a traditional Balinese village. The drinks there are also pretty decent too. I would recommend trying their cocktails like snowball, tequila sunrise and Singapore Sling when your there. The service there is also pretty good too.

Man, cant wait to go again. I think the gang is already planning on the next trip lol..

Well.. more updates to come ASAP :D.

My Bad!

2007-04-16T22:24:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the inactiveness in blogging recently. Being real busy in RL studying hard and chilling even harder lol. More post will come ASAP and some pics as well..

Till than, my bad for the inactiveness LoL.. :P

Song in my head's jukebox.

2007-04-01T00:10:00.000+08:00

_______________________
Dsds - Cry On my Shoulder.

If the hero, never comes to you
If you need someone, you're feeling blue
If you wait for love, and you're alone
If you call your friends, nobody's home
You can run away, but you can't hide
Through a storm and through a lonely night
Then I'll show you there's a destiny
The best things in life, they are free

But if you wanna cry: cry on my shoulder
If you need someone, who cares for you
If you're feeling sad, your heart gets colder
Yes I show you what real love can do

If your sky is grey oh let me know
There's a place in heaven, where we'll go
If heaven is, a million years away
Oh just call me and I'll make your day
When the nights are getting cold and blue
When the days are getting hard for you
I will always stay by your side
I promise you, I'll never hide

But if you wanna cry: cry on my shoulder
If you need someone, who cares for you
If you're feeling sad, your heart gets colder
Yes I show you what real love can do

But if you wanna cry: cry on my shoulder
If you need someone, who cares for you
If you're feeling sad, your heart gets colder
Yes I show you what real love can do

_________________________

Meaning Lryics. Soothing Song. Inspirations. Thoughts and Tears. Dedicated to all whom love, or wanna love.

Chilling out Hotspots & yada yada

2007-03-29T23:16:00.000+08:00

Exams are approaching real soon.. pressure is heating up. So many subjects and I dont know which one to start. 6 subjects to revise, wah seh, problem big time. The mugging will begin soon ladies and gentlemen, standby to fall in at Suntec Starbucks 24/7. Sebei stress ah.. And on top of that, my driving basic theory test is happening on my examination day, double stress. I need the boost of caffine to charge up.

Hai, I was late for lesson again, think I was 45 mins late lol.. but lucky the lecturer never say anything. Usually she have alot of comments for the latecomers, criticize criticize and yada yada.. Chilled out with Erica and Alvin over at our usual haunt after school. The good old Hk Cafe located at Marina Square after lesson. We were waiting for Val to come after he is done fixing the new lowering springs and sports suspension for his car.

He finally met us around 7+ 8, and we decided to go for a ride and find another chill out place. Inital plan was actually to go Changi Airport, than after awhile switch to East Coast. But while Val was driving along the express way, I non chalantly mentioned about my dream apartment over at Cozy Bay to them, and suddenly Erica suggested we go there to chill. We were like, hmm.. what the heck, let's go!

It's just a short and bumpy drive (the lowering springs and suspension are darn hard, need sometime to get use to it lol), we finally arrived at cozy bay. The first reaction I got was, WAH! The place is darn cool la, and its very peaceful and its by Kallang River. I think I have good taste la, wanting to have my dream bachelor pad over at such a good place.

Apprantly Cozy bay is the name of the cafe (or bar?). It is situated directly opposite Singapore Indoor Stadium. Its extremely quiet and peaceful, and the breeze was kinda good and revitalizing. The ambience is very romantic, and of course to prove my point, there are some couples there making out on the bridge that links to the indoor stadium directly. And I must say, the cafe is darn huge.

We quickly settled down and place our order. Me, Erica and Alvin shared a jug of fruit punch (had enuf caffine for the day), and Val ordered Ice Lemon Tea. Erica ordered wedges and its damn good, or perhaps we were all hungry at that point of time lol. The service is quite good IMO, and the price is pretty reasonable for a place with such good settings. Sadly we stayed there for about an hour plus and left, as it was getting late. Oh, budding couples out there should consider this dating hotspot if you didnt know already, the only disadvantage is that you will need a car to get there. No Bus. Or grab a taxi there and of course call a cab home when your done. Heres some badly taken pics from yours truthly:

The surrounding ambience. Kallang River. Indoor Stadium. The Bridge. At the time when I took this shot, there was about 3 couples making out there.

The Cafe. The tower is also part of the cafe. Nice for romantic dates. Blur Pic, for I took this shot in a hurry. But heck, see this as an artistic shot will ya? :D

The Fruit Punch. Lemon Tea (Glass bottle). The Potato Wedges. Featuring our Best Friend, Marlboro Ciggies lol.

Well, I will definitely go back there again when I can. I am starting to like Cozy Bay. And when I finally get my driving license, this will definitely be my first destination. Man I just cant wait.

Today, Well, the usual. I was late for lesson again *bleh*. Hanged out in the library to continue with my SSIT assignment. To my suprise, Eugene took half day leave and came to school to look for us. Waited till he came and we set off for lunch, and Erica went off to meet her bf for lunch.

We decided to catch the movie Mr Bean, as the timeslot was just nice. And off we went to Cathay. Erica met us directly at Plaza Sing and we walked there. Everyone was semi drenched as it was still drizzling heavily and we all shared umbrellas. There were like 5 of us. Me, Alvin, Jeff, Eugene and Erica. Too bad Val and Cal cant join us.

I must say one thing, THE MOVIE IS DARN GOOD LA! Must watch for all Mr Bean fans like me. Brings back the nostalagic memories of the past, while catching Mr Bean on the TV. The theatre was full even though it was only 3.15 in the afternoon. We all had good laughs, the theatre simply went hysterical watching Mr Bean and all his stupid acts. LoL. Sadly, my mood was marred alittle from a little episode of what happened in the afternoon while I was talking to her. But the movie cheered me up :).

A Die die must watch show. I rate it 6 out of 5 popcorns LoL.

we were all hungry after the movie. And Mr Eugene brought us over to eat Dao Huay that was just a short walk away. Wah, the Dao Huay damn good, in fact, it was the best I ever tasted. I think many peeps also know the name of Rochor Road Dao Huay, this is it!

5 of us ordered 5 dao huays (come in hot and cold), and 3 yu tiao(s). Tao Huay and yu tiao is one of the world best fusion la. Anyway, the yu tiao is pretty good as well. And its dirt cheap! About 2 bucks per person. And its tasty and very filling (that was my dinner). I even da bao for my mum, and she she even call me to buy more next time LoL.

Anyway, Eugene left after eating as he have to head home. Erica brought the rest of us to a cafe near by to chill out. Guess what it's called? Mr Bean Cafe! I mean, literally that Mr Bean, not that 1 that sells dao huay lol.. Wah, so qiao, we watch Mr Bean the Movie and we get to chill out at the cafe with some Mr Bean's theme.

The ambience was pretty good, and the seats have got cushion. Shiok. There's some crowd that was mainly formed up of working executives. Our bunch were the most shabbily dressed among them lol.. What the heck.. The drinks are ok and the price too. Standard charges. Not bad.. will go back again soon. Perhaps on Saturday? LoL.. oh well.. We stayed there till around 940 and we all called it a day, and home sweet home.

Hopefully next time I will take some pics of the Mr Bean Cafe heh.. till than.. tata :).

Updates

2007-03-26T21:46:00.000+08:00

Sup guys, how's everyone doing? Heh.. what an opening.. lol..

Had my Economics mock exam today. Wow.. i managed to screw myself up a real lot, for I know nothing about econs. Blanked out for awhile but thank god our lecturer relented and let it be an open book test. Whew. But still.. it doesnt help much. Of course I did badly, but I know where my mistakes are. Gotta work hard on my econs man.

So that's 2 mock exam down, and 2 more to go! SSIT assignment deadline on Friday, and my progress is pretty slow. About 4 more long questions to complete. Gotta rush alittle more. I think the next mock exam would be Fianancial Accounting. Argh.. How I hate accounting. My Balance sheet only balance once in a blue moon lol..

Nothing much for school, you know.. lectures as usual mambo jumbo, assignment deadlines to rush, and the lectures are all as boring as hell. Oh well..

As for my social life, its also the usual affairs. Chill, and chill and chill, with a little KTV madness on Wed last week. Well, basically the gang all shown up, including Eugene, whom took half day off from work to join us, haha.. nice. That's like 7 of us. Me, Val, Cal, Jeff, Erica, Alvin, and Eugene. Haha.. did some crazy stuff together and we never had such fun like this for real long. Really good to unwind ourselves after a real long battle with our BS assignment. There's Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) for the drinking addicts, but is there any Chillaholics Anonymous (CA?) for a chillout addict like me? LoL.. Here's some pics of the Crazy 7:

From left: Calvin, Valentino, Lim Bei (me), Erica, Alvin, Eugene and Jeffery.
Wah, poor Erica Kanna sandwiched by 6 Guys LoL.

Haha.. This is funny! Notice the height? I am the shortest.. NOOOOOOOO! Haiz..

*Bleh* Stupified.

Jeff. Me. Erica. Eh Jeff, whats that expression sia? lol.

Haha.. Funny shot, and I "happened" to be sitting in between them, so what the heck, I joined in the shot LoL. I look.. hmm.. spastic? LoL..

Anyway, woke up darn early yesterday morning. Its being a real long time since I woke up at 6Am in the morning. Took a quickie wash up and shower, and I set off with my parents over to my Auntie's place. Waited there for my Uncles and Aunties to arrive, and off we go to Chua Chu Kang Cemetry. Yes, Qing Ming is coming, and my Family have the custom of visitng the graves 10 days earlier.

And come to think about it, I am the only young one that went with my Family. My Sis is enjoying herself in Taiwan with her friends, Jie and her bro cant wake up, and I think Jessica also sleeping.. Wah.. Why only me sia haha.. Oh Well.. *bleh*.

Well, spent the whole morning finding 3 graves. Namely My Great Grandfather, My grandmother and erm.. I think my Great Great Grandfather. Man, here I thought my family was one of the earlier birds there, since theres another 10 more days to the official Qing Ming. But the whole cemetry were packed! Wah, those peeps are sure early.

Well, was dead tired once I was back at my Auntie's place. Watch abit of TV and K.Oed till late afternoon. Did nothing productive for the whole day I guess. Wanted to study alittle of Econs but I was simply too tired.

Well, my mum was tired too so she suggested we all eat out. My Auntie suggested going to eat at a "restuarant" over at Chua Chu Kang Park. The place serve Malay Cuisines and also chinese "zhu chao". Even my tai-ma (Great Grandmother) also came along, but she cant really walk, so we put her on a wheel chair.

I should say the food there is pretty ok la. Nothing fantastic, but I ate quite alot. Hmm.. no no, no I, but WE ate alot. I think we are all too hungry, even my tai-ma's appetite is good, which seldom is. But we are all happy that she's happy, for its a real long time she last ate out.

Here's some pics as evidence of the aftermath lol:

These are just a part of what we consume lol. And I love the Ice Milo Dinosaur.

And here's my Tai-ma. And she's sure one happy lady LoL. Its being real long since her appetite is so good.

Gotten home after dinner, took a quick shower and joined Erica, Val and Cal over at Suntec Starbucks for some quick chilling around 8pm. Apparantly those guys are sitting there for the whole day Studying Econs. Erica bought dounuts! Apprantly she queued about 2 hours to buy it for her bf, and sunbian gotten us some lol.. Btw, I lurveeeeee dounuts. Must stop. thinking.. about.. dounuts.. I.. am.. starting.. to.. salivate.. *drool*.

Anyway, while I was in the library Kat Called me today and ask me to get onto MSN. She Sent me a art work that shes preparing as part of her portfolio for La Salle registration. Your work is fine, its seriously very nice imo and you really dont need to worry so much that you cant enroll. Have more confident in urself and also your work. Its good enough. So work hard for your next piece, and good luck to your enrolment! Jiayou!

Oh well, thats about all now. More updates to come when I have more time! I`ve got assignment to rush, exams to finish and sleep to catch LoL :D.

Where did the time go?

2007-03-19T22:47:00.001+08:00

Well well.. another "eventful" weekend zoomed passed just like that.. man.. I can barely catch up with time.. And I get to change my spoilt Sony DVD Burner drive to a shiny BenQ DVD Burner at a darn cheap price. And I upgraded my singnet from 1500kbps to a 3Mbps plan, with a shiny new 2Wire ethernet wireless modem. Now I can connect via wireless at any corner of my hourse with the laptop LoL, and my sis can stop complaining hehe.. One stone kill 2 birds. Pure Shiokness..

Anyway, Biz law's mock test is over on Saturday, and that will left me with 3 more upcoming papers. Upcoming one will be economics I think, sure fail! Haha.. I know nuts about econs, not to mention drawing those diagrams *bleh*.

And of course, theres still one more assignment to hand up, and that left me 10 more days to go before the deadline.. as usual.. chiong till i drop ah!

After handing my biz structure assignment, I am able to catch some breath, though the mock exams managed to ruin my mood just alittle lol.. But finally I can catch up with some sleep, and erm.. I overslept and was kinda late for lessons nowadays (Feel so guilty.. but what the heck!).

Nothing much lately I guess.. just spending my time in school, or simply chilling out. Hmm.. being chilling out almost everyday after lesson or assignment. I think chilling out is a good way for me to rest and just recharge. And of course my usual kahki is Erica, Val, Cal, Jeff and Alvin. Everyday kopi session, but somehow we never get tired of it. And come to think about it.. its kinda a good way for us to loosen up and joke around.

Life 's much more pressurizing than before, but I think my time's were well spent. I work hard, but I chill even harder lol.. I admit that I am a hardcore chill out addict :D. And of course its either my schoolwork is keeping me busy or my gang is keeping me busy, I dont have to think about alot of stuff, and I also learned alot from them. Glad I know these wonderful peeps lol..

Its sure taking a toll on my body with all the late nights and early days. My body is so tired and sometimes i felt really burnt out. Oh well.. part and parcel of my life I guess.. no pain no gain ultimately.. Waking up with my nuaness and I should say I am god damn alert once I reach home everynight. My body is sure getting used to this torture lol..

The guys are all talking about a KL cum Genting trip during June holidays. Wah liew.. it sure got me all fired up. I need a break.. and a damn good 1 lol.. I can get to choose to stay at Alvin's home or Calvin's home. Ai seh.. I am spoilt for choice lol. I think if we really go there, all hell will break loose haha.. god.. sounds so fun la! Time to save up hehe.. I am broke (theres never a time I isnt anyway).

Till than, enough about "fantasizing" first.. back to reality. Have to overcome my exams first. Reality hurts.. *ouch!*

Boredom vs Stupidity

2007-03-16T23:40:00.000+08:00

Finally done with my Business Structure's assignment. Was basically staying in the school library to slog it out using the laptop i borrowed from my sis. Slept very little for the past 1 week or so. About 4 hours of sleep max everyday.

Managed to finish my assignment around 3+ 4 am in the morning. Wah, buay tahan ah. My mind feel so numb right now, i cant really think straight. Assignments are the ultimate killer. And come to think about it, I have 1 more assignment to go, and 4 mock test to sit. And the first one is tomorrow -.-. Business Law, chim module haha.. hope can pass la..

And I kinda realise something. I need a laptop! LoL. Man, its kinda fun to be bringing a laptop to school and do my assignment anytime and anywhere. And I can access my school's wireless network and go on msn or simply just surf the net for my assignment researches. Its kinda fun using the laptop in class as well as I can chat with some friends on msn while taking down notes of the lecture and listening to my lecturer go yada yada yada...

And there's a nifty build in webcam that I fool around with during boredom. Wah, msn experience was never better lol.. And what do you get when your bored in lecture, with a laptop on your desk with a built in webcam? Hmm.. I got to take a pic of myself in boredom and upload it to my blog lol.. heres the pic.

Sian ah! Bleh! *Yawn*

Haha.. lame I know, but I find it entertaining for some reason lol.. should do that more often, perhaps taking pic with the the gang featuring our bored expression. Hmm.. sounds like a plan :D . *snickers*

Anyway, when I gotten home yesterday night, I discovered some laptop brochures on my computer table. I was like.. hmm? So I ask my dad if he was the one that placed it on my table. He said yes, cause he want me to take a look at which one is better, and I choose the one I like. He offered to buy a laptop for me, even without me asking, I was like... so shocked and so touched of my dad's gesture. Man, I love my parents! They are the best, and it really warms my heart.. But sadly, there's no laptop in the brochure that tempted me to buy, or the price is simply too ridiculous. Oh well.. wait till got offer than buy haha.. I am in no rush anyway.

Oh well.. time to study alittle on my Business Law, and finally I can sleep more :) .

life?

2007-03-09T22:06:00.000+08:00

Wah lao eh, I think I am really shagged to the bones. Irregular sleeping hours, tight deadlines for assignments, waking up early for lectures, loss of appetite and my school's pressure is really suffocating me. Damn.. I never felt so tired ever since the army.

Now I am suffering from the aftermath of all these late nights, and more to come later. 2 more major assignments to hand up, and my mock tests is around the corner (about 10 more days actually), and my mid year exams are coming real soon. Wah seh, there's no end to this. I got kinda sick, well.. you know.. feeling feverish and stuff, lethargic-ness, my eyes hurt from staring at the computer screen for way too long, and I have some ulcers problem and I cant eat properly. Its a torture to chew food in my mouth and now I only drank liquid most of the time.

The rest of the peeps are equally stressed out. Most of them literally knocked out during lectures. Its funny when I am the only one awake and the whole roll besides me are closing their eyes dozing off haha.. As for me, I dozed off while I was in the library (I was supposed to do research work!). We are all too tired. My mind wasnt really focusing anyway, half listening, the other half drifting away. Partly cause the class was too darn big, and its too darn noisy at times. And when your sitting at the last few rows, its really hard to listen and pay attention.

Was suprised that Chin Heng smsed me today in the middle of my lecturer. He needed someone to talked to and recently I have being kinda philosopical, thus he confided in me lol.. Well, I tried comforting him as I truthly understand what's he going through in the army etc. I simply saw the old me while he was describing his misfortunes while I was in the army. Don't worry bro, what you are going through or experiencing, I am being there done that. Not only me, but plenty of other guys, so your're not alone in this. Pick yourself up, your army life is ending (though I know the last 3 mths really passed darn slowly). And come to think about it, I already left the army for 9 months! Wow.. where did the time go? Anyway, I hope what I said helped you alittle, or at least made you feel better.

I kinda remembered I had this conversation with the gang while chilling out, about life being fair or unfair. I think I should put it in a better phrase. Life's got nothing to do with fairness, but life's simply just a balance. To every human beings, you may have something, but you will also have a lack of the others. Simply put, you may be the richest arse in the world, you led the dream life that everybody yearns to have, but you have no friends and family to share with. You may be the world most charming guy, able to attract girls anytime, anywhere, and your're able to screw every single one of them, but you will never find the soulmate and partner to fill up that emptiness in your heart. You may be a fat ugly guy weighing 100+ kilos, but you have a truthful heart, and being sincere to your friends and finding the girl of your dream whom do not shun you like the rest of the people does and appreciates your qualities.

Now, the 3 examples up there is what I called "life". It is the "haves" and the "don't haves" that mould you to who and what you are today. These are the stuff that formed up your personality, and its also what makes you unique. Every men and women living in this world are unique. We are what we are, and everyone of us have weakness(es).

But, we have never failed to look up to the heaven, asking " Why Me"? And we will never fail to curse and lament on how unfair the god(s) are treating whenever we are out of luck and met with some difficulties and misfortunes. Ever seen yourself in this situation? I guess that includes everybody.

Like I have said, life is all about balance. It is all about doing things with moderation. Things as simple as if you like to skip meals all the time, your prone to gastric pains, but when you eat too much, you will feel terrible and you can hardly walk. It's like efficiency vs effectiveness. If you can define the mean of the 2, and note the differences, you will know what I mean. There's always the ups and downs in life. This is also a balance.

All these formed up the part and parcel of our daily lives. These are the factors that made us what we are. Day in day out, there are never ending problems. Yes, problems will screw us up (damn badly sometimes), but if we can just live through it, we will be able to identify our weakness and improve ourselves ultimately. If we are defeated by problems, we can only pick ourselves up and learn to walk all over again, else, we will never move on and be deafeated by our own weaknesses, and not by the problems.

Embrace changes, be it good or bad, and look on the bright side of life. Ultimately, if your life is all about downs and no significant ups, do not worry. The day will come where your suffering will come to an end and you will be able to seek that happiness of yours. Be it for money or for love. And if you think that you have done some bad or evil stuff, what goes around comes around. It will hit you back straight to your face and you in time will suffer the consequences. Believe in karma, and be punished for your actions. It may not be now, but it certainly will come one day. Wait and see.. your day will come (this is targeted on certain people).

So yup, if you think life is unfair.. than think again. Do yourself a favour and reflect on actions that you have done, and dont blame this world for treating you this way or that. It's simply just seeking balance.

Ultimately, seek and understand your life's balance. Learn to cope with problems be it small or major, all will have a hand in moulding you, or destroying you. Be content of your strengths and improve on it, and understanding your weaknesses and minimising it. Be content of what you have, and live life to the fullest. :)

I think I talked too much again.. damn.. another long post..

Travelling and Nostalgia

2007-03-06T21:38:00.000+08:00

3 assignments down, and 2 more to go. Just handed in one today. Spent about a week doing it, sleeping at 2+ 3am in the morning everyday. Got a hint from one of my lecturer that my Human Behaviour in Workplace assignment is somewhere around a higher distinction or distinction. Hmm.. either way, its still good. Efforts paid off.. Now, I just have to slog it out for another 2 weeks more or so of sleepless nights to get the last 2 assignments done. And exams are drawing real close.. bleh..

On a side note, I have received alot of compliments via SMSes or tagboard from my friends telling me that my pevious entry really inspires them. Thanks alot guys :) Glad that you all enjoyed reading my entries (though its ALL pretty longwinded), and I certainly hope you guys can do some self reflection on your own and make improvements :).

Being feeling pretty blue and moody lately with all the pressures of assignments setting in. The usual affairs, slogging it out in the night and lethargic in the day. And of course, the loneliness that still lingers in my heart 24/7. No matter how hard I try to fill up my days with activities, it still seeps through the cracks of my defence and attack. Feel very helpless when this happens. But day in and day out, I am still seeking my strength everyday. I will survive..

Ultimately.. I am still content with my life, though there are still more downs than ups. Still trying my very best to adapt to single life. Next thing I had to do is to make further lifestyle adjustments here and there.. and I think I will be better.

Was dicussing about the Genting trip with the gang. If everything goes smoothly, hopefully we will be going there around April 21st or so, before Eugene's enlistment to Army on 27th. Man, I am so looking forward to the trip. I think I need to unwind and Genting sounds really good. And I am imagining the gang chilling it out at Starbucks Genting and talk cock. Hmm.. what an experience.. I have never being on a trip with my friends before. And perharps in the future.. I can visit countries further away. Dying to visit Sydney, Melbourne, New Zealands, Taiwan, and Tokyo, Japan.

Speaking abt overseas.. it sure triggers some nostalagic memories. Think back on my "virgin" trip with her to Jakarta, Indonesia. Its certainly a very fresh feeling and both of us were excited, as it was the first time she travel with her bf. Anyway.. just a pic to show the excitment in us..

Apprantly I was being cheeky more than being excited eh? Haha.. Anyway.. we cant stop smiling than.. haha.. This pic was taken on board the plane and its biz class :p. Got upgraded. Shiokness.. The trip was fulfilling and its a huge eye opener for me. Seems like getting stuck in SG for too long will become "Sua ku", literally means mountain Turtle lolz..

Anyway.. I think I need more exposure to alot of other things. I still feel very naive and stupid lotsa times.. I dont even remember how Malaysia looks like, not to mention Genting.. havent being there for like.. 12 years at least? Hmm.. beware of Jack. Sua ku on the loose! I need to travel ah... any sponsers out there? :p haha..

Anyway.. thats for all right now.. I still had alot of things in my mind, and also alot more of self reflections needed to be done. Will blog again asap.

Self reflection.

2007-03-01T00:37:00.000+08:00

Rained steadily since early noon till now. Meet up with the gang for chillout session over at Suntec Starbucks. Jeffery and Erica arrived earlier than expected, and I was late for about 30mins.. So paiseh.. Valentino, being the sleepyhead as usual, joined us at around 5+. Aloy came straight over from school and we went off for dinner. Had a little fun at the arcade before we called it a day.

She smsed me from Malaysia today. Said that she's not feeling well, I hope that she will recover asap and wish that she will be able to cheer up..

Anyway.. to follow up on my pevious entry, I guess to put it in simple terms.. its to "enjoy life's simple pleasures". I guess while we are stuck in our day to day routine, we tend to overlook such minute details. Its suprising that receiving and doing these little things from or to people around you can work wonders.

Little things can be such as receiving a compliement from love ones and friends, a little gift from someone, or simply just by a kiss from the someone special. This simple things will brighten up your day, and make you feel appreciated and special. Just a simple gesture, but such strong reactions. Amasing eh?

Does the term "living life to the fullest" rings a bell? Well, if you can read between the lines, to live life to the fullest is simply to experience and appreciate life's simple pleasure. I think alot of people overlooked this fact and interpretate it as doing anything and everything. Very wrong perception I think.. The more correct term for it should have being "being there done that".

So what you have gone for sky diving? What's next? Space Travel? Visit Mars? Where is the stop? When does one knows where to stop? When does one feel satisfaction? Do we, to be honest, have all the time in the world to do anything and everything? Before you realise it.. you will be dead, and not satisfied.

The key word here is contentment. And contentment can be found from just doing simple things. Perhaps by reading a good book, or having a nice chat with your friends or love ones. Food for the soul I guess. Simple? Absolutely.. Can it be done? Of couse!

So people.. slow down your pace in life.. and pay attention to such little things around you, and remember to say thanks and tell the person how much it means to you.. return the appreciation :). It will surely help in relationship and communication. And that.. ladies and gentlemen.. is the best happiness that one can seek..

As for me, I am doing the same thing. Through this breakup, I had learned alot of meaningful lessons. And start seeing things in another perception. The lion (I am a leo fyi) finally learns to be humble, and thank goodness its still not too late. Now I just hope to inspire all potential readers out there on the greatness of simplicity, and perharps you guys will in turn inspire other people around you..
Once you can acheive that, I am sure the rest of life's other greatness will come to you too.. naturally.. No need to force anything. Ultimately, if its yours it will be yours no matter what, and if it isnt, just move on with life, for its not the end. Happiness will knock on your door ultimately, as fate always works in the most mysterious way :). Cest`la`vie! Enjoy life as it is.. :)

Perfection?

2007-02-27T21:38:00.000+08:00

Went Sentosa this noon. Me, Aloy, Erica, Madeline and Mary. The beach, the sun, the volleyball and the cool sea. Sun wasnt as strong as expected, but still.. it was fun for a little change of environment. Trying to work on my tan that I am deprived of, had alittle game of volleyball, and had a dip in the sea. Have sort of a man to man talk with Aloy while relaxing on the shore. Revitalising sea waves, soothing sound and good company. Took a dive in the sea and had alittle swim, while Aloy stayed on the shore as he complained that the water is too cold.

Felt so carefree while swimming. Time seems to stop for that moment. Realise that I still embrace the sea, though god knows when was the last time I was near the sea. The talk with Aloy was pretty fruitful, with him and me seeing things on a new light. The girls forgo the swim as they wasnt dressed in swimming gears. but are lying on the beach enjoying massage given by Mary. Man.. what a spa experience.

Sunset time, had a quick shower and took the train back to VivoCity. Had dinner over at the food court and we called it a day. Val couldnt wake up to join us, but oh well.. there will be next time.

Picture speaks more than a thousand words..

Being trying or doing lotsa things that I may not have done way back. Things like singing KTV almost once or twice every week, going to Sentosa, back to blogging, getting my driving license ASAP and start to train up my flabby body once again. Will be picking up swimming regularly and jogging once again. Theres loads of things that had being put to the back of my mind for way too long. Time to complete them.

I want to change, and I want to improve. Looking back at myself, I think its time for me to start doing them instead of just putting them in my mind and chuck them over at a corner. I gotta do myself this favour and STOP being a lazy arse once and for all.

I think taking these steps are essential for me to move on. Relationship may be one of my least priority, as now I can only focus the energy on my family, friends and your truthly.

Did a little pondering and I guess while chasing for perfection (psst.. I was a perfectionist), I had deprived myself and most importantly, her, from doing or experiencing loads of stuff. I was so hellbent on doing things with big bangs that I hasn't being paying attention to the fine little details instead. My logic was simple way back "I will do it with a big bang, or I Don't even do it". Big mistake(s).

As the time goes by.. I hurt alot of people. People that don't deserve such treatment. Ultimately, I realise that one do not have to do things with a big bang to be appreciated. But instead, its the smaller things that actually counts. Simplicity is life's biggest complexity. While I was caught in the neverending race of "self perfection", I overlooked that fact that I had simply neglected alot of things. Things that could be done with alittle effort, or by paying more attention to it. I started learning to read in between the lines, paying close attention to hints and stop thinking about doing things "perfectly".

There's simply no perfection in this world. There will be millions of people out there that are much much more better than I do, there are millions and millions of things out there that are much better than the ones I gave or made. There are millions of people that will simply be way better than me physically, mentally etc. So why compare myself with the whole world? Its actually the little things that I do or say that makes myself unique.

Right now I just wish to strive for improvements, and not perfection. I felt inferior when I felt like I was loosing the race. I wanted attention, but i got none at the very end. Real hard and painful lesson, but it saved me nonetheless. I real hard slap that had awaken me. I will simply burnt out and be left uncontented while the race will continue with or without me. So yea.. its time to change. 1 step at a time, and every effort will help. And I believe one day soon, you guys will be able to note the change in me. The way I talk, the way I do things etc.

Typical behaviours of a Leo, and one that will bring disaster to oneself. All leos out there should take note of this.. and look at things from another perception, and perharps you will be like me.. to embrace change and improve.

I will not try to be "Mr Perfect" anymore. But I will try my best to be "Mr Right". I guess this phrase have alot of meanings in them :), so ya.. I hope someone will understand. Till than.. cest'la'vie. I will improve..

Pondering..

2007-02-25T20:48:00.000+08:00

Dropped by the hospital just now for a regular visit of my grandma. Health condition is improving, and her appetite is a wee bit slightly better. Her legs are as weak as ever, more physiotherapy needed. And her memory gotten worst. Peviously when I asked her whats my name, she would have answered immediately. Today, same question, different answer. She shakes her head, and look at me trying to think of who am I. Now, that came to me as a shock.. and I really dont know how to help her..

As far as I know, my life now is upside down generally. The emptiness that strucks is unbearable. I lose alot of sleep, and when I wake up the oh so familiar fear will struck with full force. Whenever I had the 4 walls of my room surrounding me, my defense crumbles and memories and flashbacks will come on me with a vengeance. My room contains too much memories of her. My room was always my sanctuary, and I always yearned to be there. Be it going back after a hard day's work in camp, a mental straining school days, or a fulfilling day going out on a date with her. She would join me in my room sometimes, just to sleep as she find my bed comfy, or dropped by as my mum invited her over for dinner, she loves my mum's cooking. Sometimes when she kicks the blanket, i will tuck it back and land a light kiss on her forehead and just adore her. She looks so cute with her sleeping posture. Still had some pics of her sleeping stored on my comp and phone. Everything we did, every single details, still as vivid as if it happened yesterday.

That was than. Now, my room is the last place that I wish to be in. I feel very defenseless against all this, feeling weak and fragile. Sleep do not come without a struggle, and waking up will be another struggle. On the brink of insanity. Felt like crying, and I think I did once or twice, silently when everything is too much to bear under my blanket. Went out every single day to escape my room, and escape lonliness. I went to MS everyday, to chill and smoke my day away. Trying as hard as I could to waste time, and return home late at night. Same group of people, same thing we did everyday.
Wake up early morning, probbly around 7+ 8, and I will stare at the ceilling for about 30 mins. Wash up, breakfast and stare at my comp and study my assignment questions (CNY bonus.. bleh!). Have a hasty lunch and I will get the hell out. Will meet up with Erica first with her being the most punctual other than me in out gang. Sometimes it will be only me and her, and most of the times it will be joined by others, such as Valentino, Aloy and Eugene. Will usually meet up for chatting and smoking. And sometimes we will meet up to discuss on homework. And sometimes we will meet up to chillout, and had a KTV session together. My singing got better, singing ballads and sad songs that were infused with my real emotions and feelings. Crowd stunner in KTV, with my ok voice and emotions. Special thanks to all the people I mentioned. Without them, I would have cumbled. All good friends that have gone thru thick and thin together, they are really worth my uptmost respect.

Had my haircut this early noon, its real short but I like the new look. New specs, new hairdo and a better dressing style. I look fresher, though I am feeling sad and moody 24/7. Meet up with Erica at the usual hk cafe at ms and had a short chillout session. Talked about this topic that make me felt intrigued. What is true love?

I replied that true love is when the couple can go against all odds and survive through storms after storms just to be together. Kinda a shallow way to put it. Its like you know that carrying on this relationship leads to nowhere, no clear path to take, and the path is laden with lotsa walls and traps that will stop and to kill, but you will still choose to know down the walls, run through the traps, just to be with your partner. You know that the path may leads to a deadend, but you still wanna go, just to be with your partner. You know that this is a mission of no return, a mission to kamikaze, a mission that will destroy yourself, but you still choose to die than to turn back, just to be with your partner. Your partner ultimately may not know you have gone thru so much, or suffering in silence, or your partner may also be doing it, but in a different way.

No, its not silly, nor it's heroic. The answer I gave was simple. Just follow your heart. Though your heart may not make the right decision, but its the most fulfilling. There's no better way than to be with someone you really love, but may not be together in the end. But as for me, I believe that I may not be with her now, but maybe one day fate will bring us back together. Maybe the day wont come, but it may have other arrangement. I loved her, and I still do. Lets see where fate will takes us both. But till than.. its still a painful journey for me, even if I am single right now. Its ironic.. but I have no other choice, and I dont see any either. No I am not a saint.. I am just following my heart..

I remember saying this to her someway back :" Love can't be counted.. and it's your decision to share your love with whoever you want. But to me, i decide to love you only.. and no one else. This is my promise and commitment to you.. and the core reason why i've never cheated on you.." Till today.. its still valid. Perhaps saying all this is useless.. but still.. this means alot to me.

She... simply just stole away my heart, and I never got it back.. Fate is always playing this kinda jokes on me.. I wonder when is all this gonna stop. I.. cant take it anymore.. I hope I can be strong..

Food for thoughts.

Busy days ahead. 3 major assignments deadline drawing close in 2 weeks time. So much work so little time.

New Path. Fresh Beginning.

2007-02-25T00:29:00.000+08:00

Hello all..

Yup.. I am back again.. with a new blog that is.. decided to "close" the old blog down since I got pretty pissed of with all the ads popups given by cjb.net and geocities in general. It will still be kept for the old entries archiving purposes and also because I love my old design haha.. Anyway.. the link to the old blog is located in the left panel.. you can visit it if you feel like reading some super outdated entries.

Well, its being like more than 6 months since the last entry on the old blog. Had being going into an "undeclared" hiatus for that long. Wanted to take a break and the popups were really pissing me off, so yea.. that more or less why i stopped.

Year 2006 just flashed pass so suddenly, and also had quite alot of happenings for the pass few months. Let's see.. My great grandmother, my grandfather and my grandmother were all admitted to the hospital over the past few months continously. Admitted for lotsa reasons. Great Granny had an epilepsy that cost her to lost her ability to speak, and subsequently she was admitted several times after that for frequent fainting. My grandfather, suffered a stroke that cause his body's motion to be slow and unresponsive, he cant walk without aid, but thankfully he still can stand.. though not for long. My grandmother had a bad fall that cause her to fracture her left legs, and had just gone through an op to had it fixed, and to insert a steel support to join the bones, and now she's still recapurating in the hospital, and refuse to eat most of the time, as her appetite is not good for quite a long time.

Now, ever since mid September 2006, I had being visiting the hospital continously till today. Its very heart wenching to see all the old folks i loved dearly in my family admitted to the hospital 1 by 1. They were all very healthy folks, but sickness got the better of them. The sudden transition from healthy to their weakened state today is very alarming. None of them can walk without our aid, and none of them was as alert as they used to be. God.. this had being the worst period of time that my family and I had to go through, not to mention that the medical fees built up can be pretty alarming too.. sigh..

As for myself, I am back to singlehood. Our relationship ended on the 29th December 2006, which lasted for 5 yrs 1 wk. It hits pretty hard, for till now I am still healing myself and trying hard to move on.. But ultimately, I had learned several painful but valuable lessons. Arguments flew, hearts broken, and harsh decisions made. Till now, all this is still a blur in my mind. My transition back to singlehood is not smooth sailing. Suffered alot emotionally and I am still suffering from the after-effects. Sometimes, realisation can be so fast and furious. I guess if we are meant to be we will be together ultimately, and if we're not, there's no use forcing. Lets see where fate takes us. I still care alot about her, and deep down, I know I still love her. There's still alot of unspoken words and emotions that I wanna express, but somehow I dont really know how to fully express myself.

Insonmia, sadness, severe heartaches, moodiness, depression, nightmares, sucidal, desperation and emptiness; to name afew of the after effects, you name it, I have it.

Transition is not easy, but still, thanks to all my good friends that had accompanied me, being there for me, and lending me their listening ears to ease my transition back into singlehood. Its really not easy.. and thanks for being so patient with me. I am still trying my best to pick myself up once again.

Man.. all this pressures, on top of my school work and other life commitments is really taking a toll on me. Man.. life's never harsher.. Till today, I havent being really happy for a real long time.. god.. I need serious help here.

Right now.. I am still seeking for myself. I am still trying my best to seek my inner peace. Its really very chaotic in my very state. No, I am not trying to make myself sound or look pathetic, but these are just afew of the problems and challenges I am facing and need overcoming.

I am now walking on a new path of life, one that had being unexplored and one that I dont know what to expect. Frankly speaking, I am scared. I had lotsa fears, but this new found fear feels so foreign. Pls give me the strength to continue..

On a lighter note, I had gotten my results for my Biz admin and marketing diploma. Gotten 2 higher distinctions, 3 distinctions and 3 credits. Overall grades is distinction. I think this is my best exam result ever achieved in my 22 years of life. Now that I am doing higher diploma.. the stress is even greater, in fact.. its much greater than being in diploma.

Pretty long entry in a long time.. thanks for bearing with me. Happy CNY people. Enjoy while you can..